The 10 Reality Shows That Defined Reality Television

"GTL, baby!"

This is a post I am happy to write.  Sometimes writing posts for this blog is like pulling teeth (...or undergoing a sex change operation without anesthesia.  Well, maybe not that bad...), but when I get to look back at all the time I have wasted watching reality television, or science fiction movies, or writing awful poetry and prose... it actually makes me happy.  Let's face it, we live in the generation of reality television.  It's hard to believe that only 18 years ago (back in 1992) Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murphy created reality television as we know it with their iconic series The Real World.  We wouldn't have The Bachelor, The Apprentice, Brain-Damaged Beach Guidos and Guidettes.. I mean Jersey Shore, Big Brother, or any of that other stuff if it weren't for people with names like Heather B, Norman, and Rebecca who decided to live in a house together even though they were seven strangers picked to live in a house...  Because of them, we got to see Paula Abdul act stupid in front of millions of fans, Whitney Houston try desperately to conceal her drug addiction while cackling like a mad woman, Jessica Simpson confused by both buffalo wings AND tuna ("I don't get it.  Is it chicken or is it fish?  Why is it called 'Chicken of the Sea'?").  You get the idea.  It's hard to say if the influence of The Real World was beneficial for human civilization or malign, but all I know is that my life would not have been the same (sad, I know) if it were not for the following ten shows that defined American reality as we know it.


10. My Life On The D List:

"God damn eye doctors fucking with my eyes again!"

9. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila:

"But what if I already have herpes?  Then everything's fine, right?"

8. Newlyweds with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson:

"Nick, buffalos don't have wings!

7. The Ultimate Fighter:

"Um... I don't know how my hair ended up like this..."

6. The Hills:

"Why can't you just... support me!  You don't live in L.A., you live in the mountains!"

5. Jersey Shore:

Snooki creates her trademark "poof"

4. Being Bobby Brown:

"BOBBBAAAYYY!"

3. Flavor of Love with Flavor Flav:

Flav dissed Tiffany not once, but twice!

2. I Love New York:

Tiffany's revenge.  "Stop lookin' at my tits, Buddha!  I know you want some, but damn!"

1. The Real World:

Heather B in the house!

They're Back: The Jersey Shore Cast Is In Italy and We Have The Footage!

I don't care if people hate me for it; I don't care if I stand alone... but I love Jersey Shore.  I mean, like crazy guy driving around the local school seven times a day LOVE (too much)?  I understand the argument that these kids might be thought of as misrepresenting Italians, but let's face it.  Most of us have met Europeans (as in live in Europe and are from Europe) of about this age that are just as vapid, shallow, and sex-crazed as the Jersey Shore cast, so let's get over this "Italians are not like this" or "This is not representative of... whatever".  Bullshit.  There are stupid, shallow young people all over the world.  Just watch ONE episode of Geordie Shore.  Those Brits are even worse than the Jersey Shore cast.  Rant over.  Watch the video!  It looks like there might actually be a rumble between Ronnie and The Situation, although there is no explanation for why Vinny actually leaves the show (since we learned about a week ago that he left the cast and returned to the States).  If I may be allowed to speculate, I would guess that Mike smooshed Snooki and Vinny flipped out, since he realized after Snooki eventually breaks up with Jhionni that he's in crazy Italian love with her.

Vinny Guadagnino Leaves Jersey Shore, Boys Party Anyway

By now, most of you will have heard the rumors that Jersey Shore's Vinny from Staten Island has left the show after allegedly getting into an altercation with another member of the cast.  The Daily Mail posted images of the rest of the crew hitting the town in Italy (painting the town red, so to speak) in spite of Vinny's absence.  Honestly, this has almost happened before and I am pretty sure I know how this went down.  Either Snooki tried to cock-block Vinny and Vinny got pissed and decided to leave OR The Situation (in spite of bringing home two [COUNT 'EM: TWO] large-bosomed dates) decided to steal the slightly smaller-bosomed date that Vinny brought home.  We all know that The Situation violates the "guy code" at will, basically whenever he feels like it. He ratted on Ronny to Sammie in Seasons 2 and 3, he tried to steal girls from the other guys in season 3.  Basically, I am pretttttty sure that The Situation was somehow behind this incident.  I'm right.  Just wait and see.  (via Daily Mail)

Unfortunately for Vinny, he just does not have the swagger that The Situation has.  Splash News

Catching Up With MTV UK's Geordie Shore

Yes, this guy is still called "Gaz"

I almost forgot this show was still on, but stumbling upon a photograph of Snooki looking depressed on dlisted reminded me that there was a show about drunken guys and gals more unintelligible and with even lower IQs than the guidos and guidettes of Jersey Shore.  As a reminder, Geordie Shore follows six or seven (honestly, this show is so laughable that I can't keep track) Newcastle natives as they bar hop from one hot spot to another, not unlike their Jersey counterparts.  The show is available for American viewers to watch on MTV UK, and I would recommend watching at least one episode so that you shake yourself free of the idea that stupid people only live in the States because, frankly, there are even stupider people elsewhere.  I watched the fourth episode of Geordie Shore and it is patently useless to recap what happened as the characters are not only difficult to understand, but they don't do anything but drink and go round and round to the same clubs like some sort of surreal hormone-infused carnival ride.

Jay and Gaz in deep thought: "Hmmm... Tash, Bang, or Swill?"

Jersey Shore's Snooki and Boyfriend Jionni Call It Quits After 8 Months

Long distance relationships can be tough, especially if one of the partners is an orange gremlin and the other is only involved for publicity reasons.  After 8 long months of sexting, Snooki and her Jersey Shore guido Jionni LaValle have called  it quits.  Interested parties are speculating that the trauma of Snooki's recent car accident during filming in Florence is to blame, but frankly, Snooki didn't really seem that interested in the relationship to begin with.  Honestly, I think Snooki and Deena Nicole should just do the lesbian thing and date one another.  They are the perfect size for each other, they are both gremlins, they are both orange, and they know the best places to get wasted on the shore and not get picked up by the police for public drunkennes.  Sounds like a match made in a bad 80s movie starring Molly Ringwold or Emilio Estevez.  (via dailymail)

WENN

WENN

Deena's fashion sense is actually getting worse, believe it or not.  WENN

Snooki Gets Into Car Accident In Italy, Escorted To Police Station

It looks like you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the girl.  Filming of the fourth season of Jersey Shore is well underway in Florence, Italy, but, as usual, taping of the series is not without its mishaps.  Today it was revealed that Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Deena Cortese were involved in a car accident in Florence in which they trapped their Fiat automobile in between a police car and a roadside railing.  What's worse is that the police vehicle was actually a personal escort for their safety.  The two police officers in the vehicle were subsequently transported to the local emergency department for further evaluation, while Snooki (who was apparently behind the wheel) and Deena refused treatment and were escorted to the police station.  The two gremlins are looking more put together than usual, but do not seem inclined to put aside their gremlin antics.  I am still trying to get my nickname for Deena (Gremlin XXL) into common usage to little avail...  Woe is me.

"Nothing to see here, folks... except for two roasted gremlins sitting in a police automobile.  But other than that, nothing to see!"  Bauer-Griffin

 

Did I do that?  Pacific Coast News

It's Here: The UK's Version of Jersey Shore: Geordie Shore

Alright, I actually sat through the first episode of Geordie Shore, which seemed more like a parody of Jersey Shore, than a legitimate reality show of its own.  Watching the show, I don't know whether to bemoan American cultural imperialism or to recognize that there are stupid orange people all over the world.  I wish I could tell you what happened in the episode but I could not understand the accents and there were no subtitles so I'm not entirely sure.  All I know is that these kids are called "Geordie" because they are from Newcastle and that, just like the Jersey Shore kids, they are mostly concerned with staying tanned, getting laid, and keeping fit.  The show honestly seems more like Big Brother or Bachelor Pad than Jersey Shore because basically there is a complete absence of anything resembling a personality in the characters and basically nothing really happens.  Obviously this is the first episode, but basically all that happened was the kids (whose names I don't remember.  I think there was a "Gaz" and a "Gregg") got really wasted and then hung out in the hot tub speaking unintelligibly.  That's about it, folks.  I wonder how many brain cells I lost watching this show???

I think "Gaz" might be the Pauly D of the show

Snooki Hits The Streets of Florence, Jersey Shore Filming

The cast of the Jersey Shore has officially begun filming in Florence.  It looks like they are trying to adapt to the style of the Tuscan city (at least the girls are), but they're not quite getting it.  (via Daily Mail)

Splash News

The cabs are HERE!

Jersey Shore Cast Finally Makes It To Florence, Italy

I guess MTV resolved the issues with the mayor of Florence because the cast of the Jersey Shore officially arrived in Florence, Italy yesterday evening.  Frankly, for all the bad press that they've been getting, these kids look the part to me.  For one thing, I'm pretty sure that Mike is wearing a D&G track suit so that's appropriate, right?  I mean, they are in Italy, after all.  (via dlisted)

Pauly D always rocks the best kicks.  Splash News

The Situation's Dad Has Something To Say About His Kid

If you ever needed a reason to like Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, then here's one right here: his Dad is kind of a douchebag.  It's the sympathy factor.  Apparently Frank Sorrentino is angry that his son refused to help him with his medical payments when he contacted him recently, and the way that he is getting back is by launching a smear campaign on the internet.  We all know (or can guess) that Frank Sorrentino didn't just want help with his medical payments.  Way to go, Frank.

And Frank doesn't stop there, because he's got something to say about Snooki, too and um... well, my jaw dropped on this one.

Jersey Shore Cast Banned From Florence

According to the Daily Mail, the crew of the Jersey Shore was all set to head to Florence, Italy to begin filming when they were told that the mayor of Florence was in the process of banning the cast and crew from filming at Florence tourist sights, and that they should turn around and go back home.  Filming was slated to begin on May 9th in the country of origin of the tanned guidos and guidettes that have taken the American reality television world by storm with their GTL'ing and grenade-dodging antics.  According to the rag, "Mussolini's granddaughter" (among others) is furious that the Italian-Americans are planning on filming the next season of their show in Italy and requested that the mayor of Florence ban the cast completely.  I don't know why anyone would listen to Mussolini's granddaughter, but it sounds like Mayor Renzi of Florence has so far prohibited the cast from being taped drinking, entering bars, or otherwise behaving indecently.  It sounds like this is going to be a fun season of the Jersey Shore (with no drinking or acting stoopid)...

"The cabs are HERE!"

Join Jimmy Fallon On The Jersey Floor

Want to get Jersey-fied instantly (I know I do)?  Alls you got to do is head over to 30 Rock, hop in the elevator, and head up to the Jersey Floor.  It's that easy.

The Situation Finds Out About Bin Laden's Death First Hand

So there hasn't been a lot of news lately about my favorite automatons (those being, of course, the cast of Jersey Shore); in fact, I didn't even post the picture of their new crib in Tuscany when it was released last week because... well, I just didn't think it was that riveting.  But guess what?  It looks like Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino knew all about Bin Laden's death (and saw the picture of the terrorist's probably decapitated, mangled body the same time as Obama).  Well, not really.  This is just a meme... another confounded meme, but still HI-larious.  (via Neatorama).

I'm surprised they're not all looking at the Situation's awesome six pack (He's pretty surprised too).

Angelina Pivarnick, AKA the Staten Island Ferry, Gets Knocked Up

I hate to be vulgar (or do I?) but The Jersey Shore's former castmate Angelina Pivarnick has revealed today that she and her fiancée Dave Kovacs are expecting.  I am sure that the little munchkin will pop out looking bronzed and fist pumping.  I don't know.  Good for her, I guess.  Hopefully her fiancée has a job of some kind because I don't think Angelia is bringing home much in the way of bacon.

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino: Angelina is like the Staten Island Ferry: everyone gets a ride and its free.

Introducing the Geordie Shore: The UK's Version Of The Jersey Shore

Alright, I totally had to look up what "Geordie" referred to and it apparently refers to a resident of the north-east of England (in the Newcastle and Northumberland area).  Attempting to capitalize on the fame of The Jersey Shore, the producers of The Geordie Shore have found a cast of vapid, tanned, and buxom young people to live in a house and... get drunk and act stoopid, I suppose.  Based on the preview, this show seems to lack the edge that Jersey Shore has (which is about a very specific demographic of young Italian Americans), but who knows? Perhaps the show will appeal to the Brits like The Only Way Is Essex has.

In Case You Missed It: Anderson Cooper Rips Snooki A New One

On Tuesday, Anderson Cooper added Snooki to his "Ridiculist" because she and her castmates on the Jersey Shore are being paid $100,000/episode for the fourth season.  Honestly, that is not even that much money when you think about what some people on Wall Street are bringing home, some of whom are below the age of 30.  And, frankly, Jersey Shore is the most popular show in the history of cable television so it's only natural that they would be getting a pay raise.  If we should be bemoaning anything it should be that we live in a society where it is more important to be "viral" or have an instantly recognizable media personality than it is to be talented.  That fundamental truth about American society in the 21st century has nothing to do with Snooki and everything to do with agents, publicists, and producers.  ...And people like Anderson Cooper who give these individuals media coverage because, frankly, this benefits Anderson and others like him that are trying to get ratings just as much as it benefits the Snookis and Rebecca Blacks of America.

Cast of Jersey Shore To Get Pay Raise, World Ending

Talk about depressing news first thing Monday morning.  According to Popeater, the eight primary members of the cast of the Jersey Shore will be getting a pay raise (beginning next season: season 4) to $100,000 per episode, for a 13 episode season.  Basically Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Ron, Sam, Jwoww, Snooki, Pauly D, Vinny, and Angelina... ahem... I mean, Deanna have all just become millionaires for doing nothing more than GTL'ing and getting drunk at Karma multiple nights a week.  Let me reiterate: the cast of the Jersey Shore will each make nearly 1.5 million USD for about 2 months of hanging out.  This, in itself, is not an unusual amount of money for a hit show (actually, it's almost the standard), but it is a lot considering the size of the cast that stands to benefit.  If there are any young people reading this, forget about your parents' brainwashing.  Don't go to school.  Spend all of your time at the gym and tanning so you can get a reality show and be rich, since that's obviously the surest route for success in this country.  I met a history PhD in his forties a couple weeks ago, nice guy, but guess what?  This very intelligent gentleman, with all of his years of hard work and education, was working at Starbucks and making minimum wage.  I'm just sayin'.

I can only assume that Jwoww, Snooki, and Pauly D will be getting even more than the raise noted above for their spin-off shows.

Pauly D, Snooki, and Jwoww To Get New Jersey Shore Spinoffs

With the third season of Jersey Shore at an end, some of you out there are hurting for a glimpse into the lives of your favorite GTL'ing, fist-pumping, spiked hair rocking guidos/guidettes/oompa loompas/gremlins.  Apparently, there are production delays around the fourth season of the show (which we all know is set to take place in Italy) and MTV is moving forward with two spinoff shows: one for Snooki and Jwoww (which was announced several months ago and features the two living in a shack in Long Island) and the other to focus solely on Pauly D.  Honestly, I was pretty surprised when I learned that Pauly D was getting his own show because as far as press goes, he seems to take a backseat to Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino, who supposedly made something like 6 million USD last year in endorsements.  It looks like Pauly D's nice guy routine finally paid off and, despite the hair, he's probably the most normal guy on the show, the only one who doesn't make you want to punch your TV screen.  Nice job, Pauly.  You deserve it.  (via The Daily What)

Don't mess with the family.  Loving Pauly's suit in this pic.  All three of them look like they've been dipped in a bucket of tanning goop.

Snooki Has the Moves On WWE's Wrestlemania!

In case you missed it, Snooki showed the world that oompa loompas and gremlins are not to be played with because they fight back.  Snooki does this incredible flip and pins her opponent against the ropes.  It truly has to be seen to be believed.  Unfortunately, it sounds like the crowd was booing Snooki, but you can't please everyone.

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Snooki Paid More Than Toni Morrison To Speak At Rutgers

In yet more Snooki news, both the HuffPo and Reuters are reporting that Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi has been paid $32,000 to speak about her experiences as a reality star at New Jersey's Rutgers University.  This beats what Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison was allocated to be commencement speaker.  I thought this was an April Fools joke, but apparently it isn't as people are claiming to have actually seen Snooki at Rutgers this week.  According to the HuffPo, the expenses come from the student activity fee which if you went to college you know is mandatory for all students (regardless of if they agree on the "activity" the funds are allocated for).  These fees can approach 1000 dollars/year depending on the school.  Frankly, my first thought was: I thought Snooki would demand more than $32,000 for an appearance, but when you think of the state of the economy this does seem frivolous.  This just goes to show that when you live in a capitalist country, the people with the capital can do whatever the hell they want with their money.  I'm just sayin'.

I'm sure Snooki brought plenty of pickles with her to Rutgers