The 10 Reality Shows That Defined Reality Television

"GTL, baby!"

This is a post I am happy to write.  Sometimes writing posts for this blog is like pulling teeth (...or undergoing a sex change operation without anesthesia.  Well, maybe not that bad...), but when I get to look back at all the time I have wasted watching reality television, or science fiction movies, or writing awful poetry and prose... it actually makes me happy.  Let's face it, we live in the generation of reality television.  It's hard to believe that only 18 years ago (back in 1992) Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murphy created reality television as we know it with their iconic series The Real World.  We wouldn't have The Bachelor, The Apprentice, Brain-Damaged Beach Guidos and Guidettes.. I mean Jersey Shore, Big Brother, or any of that other stuff if it weren't for people with names like Heather B, Norman, and Rebecca who decided to live in a house together even though they were seven strangers picked to live in a house...  Because of them, we got to see Paula Abdul act stupid in front of millions of fans, Whitney Houston try desperately to conceal her drug addiction while cackling like a mad woman, Jessica Simpson confused by both buffalo wings AND tuna ("I don't get it.  Is it chicken or is it fish?  Why is it called 'Chicken of the Sea'?").  You get the idea.  It's hard to say if the influence of The Real World was beneficial for human civilization or malign, but all I know is that my life would not have been the same (sad, I know) if it were not for the following ten shows that defined American reality as we know it.


10. My Life On The D List:

"God damn eye doctors fucking with my eyes again!"

9. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila:

"But what if I already have herpes?  Then everything's fine, right?"

8. Newlyweds with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson:

"Nick, buffalos don't have wings!

7. The Ultimate Fighter:

"Um... I don't know how my hair ended up like this..."

6. The Hills:

"Why can't you just... support me!  You don't live in L.A., you live in the mountains!"

5. Jersey Shore:

Snooki creates her trademark "poof"

4. Being Bobby Brown:

"BOBBBAAAYYY!"

3. Flavor of Love with Flavor Flav:

Flav dissed Tiffany not once, but twice!

2. I Love New York:

Tiffany's revenge.  "Stop lookin' at my tits, Buddha!  I know you want some, but damn!"

1. The Real World:

Heather B in the house!

Jersey Shore's Snooki and Boyfriend Jionni Call It Quits After 8 Months

Long distance relationships can be tough, especially if one of the partners is an orange gremlin and the other is only involved for publicity reasons.  After 8 long months of sexting, Snooki and her Jersey Shore guido Jionni LaValle have called  it quits.  Interested parties are speculating that the trauma of Snooki's recent car accident during filming in Florence is to blame, but frankly, Snooki didn't really seem that interested in the relationship to begin with.  Honestly, I think Snooki and Deena Nicole should just do the lesbian thing and date one another.  They are the perfect size for each other, they are both gremlins, they are both orange, and they know the best places to get wasted on the shore and not get picked up by the police for public drunkennes.  Sounds like a match made in a bad 80s movie starring Molly Ringwold or Emilio Estevez.  (via dailymail)

WENN

WENN

Deena's fashion sense is actually getting worse, believe it or not.  WENN

Snooki Gets Into Car Accident In Italy, Escorted To Police Station

It looks like you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the girl.  Filming of the fourth season of Jersey Shore is well underway in Florence, Italy, but, as usual, taping of the series is not without its mishaps.  Today it was revealed that Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Deena Cortese were involved in a car accident in Florence in which they trapped their Fiat automobile in between a police car and a roadside railing.  What's worse is that the police vehicle was actually a personal escort for their safety.  The two police officers in the vehicle were subsequently transported to the local emergency department for further evaluation, while Snooki (who was apparently behind the wheel) and Deena refused treatment and were escorted to the police station.  The two gremlins are looking more put together than usual, but do not seem inclined to put aside their gremlin antics.  I am still trying to get my nickname for Deena (Gremlin XXL) into common usage to little avail...  Woe is me.

"Nothing to see here, folks... except for two roasted gremlins sitting in a police automobile.  But other than that, nothing to see!"  Bauer-Griffin

 

Did I do that?  Pacific Coast News

Snooki Hits The Streets of Florence, Jersey Shore Filming

The cast of the Jersey Shore has officially begun filming in Florence.  It looks like they are trying to adapt to the style of the Tuscan city (at least the girls are), but they're not quite getting it.  (via Daily Mail)

Splash News

The cabs are HERE!

In Case You Missed It: Anderson Cooper Rips Snooki A New One

On Tuesday, Anderson Cooper added Snooki to his "Ridiculist" because she and her castmates on the Jersey Shore are being paid $100,000/episode for the fourth season.  Honestly, that is not even that much money when you think about what some people on Wall Street are bringing home, some of whom are below the age of 30.  And, frankly, Jersey Shore is the most popular show in the history of cable television so it's only natural that they would be getting a pay raise.  If we should be bemoaning anything it should be that we live in a society where it is more important to be "viral" or have an instantly recognizable media personality than it is to be talented.  That fundamental truth about American society in the 21st century has nothing to do with Snooki and everything to do with agents, publicists, and producers.  ...And people like Anderson Cooper who give these individuals media coverage because, frankly, this benefits Anderson and others like him that are trying to get ratings just as much as it benefits the Snookis and Rebecca Blacks of America.

Cast of Jersey Shore To Get Pay Raise, World Ending

Talk about depressing news first thing Monday morning.  According to Popeater, the eight primary members of the cast of the Jersey Shore will be getting a pay raise (beginning next season: season 4) to $100,000 per episode, for a 13 episode season.  Basically Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Ron, Sam, Jwoww, Snooki, Pauly D, Vinny, and Angelina... ahem... I mean, Deanna have all just become millionaires for doing nothing more than GTL'ing and getting drunk at Karma multiple nights a week.  Let me reiterate: the cast of the Jersey Shore will each make nearly 1.5 million USD for about 2 months of hanging out.  This, in itself, is not an unusual amount of money for a hit show (actually, it's almost the standard), but it is a lot considering the size of the cast that stands to benefit.  If there are any young people reading this, forget about your parents' brainwashing.  Don't go to school.  Spend all of your time at the gym and tanning so you can get a reality show and be rich, since that's obviously the surest route for success in this country.  I met a history PhD in his forties a couple weeks ago, nice guy, but guess what?  This very intelligent gentleman, with all of his years of hard work and education, was working at Starbucks and making minimum wage.  I'm just sayin'.

I can only assume that Jwoww, Snooki, and Pauly D will be getting even more than the raise noted above for their spin-off shows.

Pauly D, Snooki, and Jwoww To Get New Jersey Shore Spinoffs

With the third season of Jersey Shore at an end, some of you out there are hurting for a glimpse into the lives of your favorite GTL'ing, fist-pumping, spiked hair rocking guidos/guidettes/oompa loompas/gremlins.  Apparently, there are production delays around the fourth season of the show (which we all know is set to take place in Italy) and MTV is moving forward with two spinoff shows: one for Snooki and Jwoww (which was announced several months ago and features the two living in a shack in Long Island) and the other to focus solely on Pauly D.  Honestly, I was pretty surprised when I learned that Pauly D was getting his own show because as far as press goes, he seems to take a backseat to Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino, who supposedly made something like 6 million USD last year in endorsements.  It looks like Pauly D's nice guy routine finally paid off and, despite the hair, he's probably the most normal guy on the show, the only one who doesn't make you want to punch your TV screen.  Nice job, Pauly.  You deserve it.  (via The Daily What)

Don't mess with the family.  Loving Pauly's suit in this pic.  All three of them look like they've been dipped in a bucket of tanning goop.

Snooki Has the Moves On WWE's Wrestlemania!

In case you missed it, Snooki showed the world that oompa loompas and gremlins are not to be played with because they fight back.  Snooki does this incredible flip and pins her opponent against the ropes.  It truly has to be seen to be believed.  Unfortunately, it sounds like the crowd was booing Snooki, but you can't please everyone.

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Snooki Paid More Than Toni Morrison To Speak At Rutgers

In yet more Snooki news, both the HuffPo and Reuters are reporting that Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi has been paid $32,000 to speak about her experiences as a reality star at New Jersey's Rutgers University.  This beats what Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison was allocated to be commencement speaker.  I thought this was an April Fools joke, but apparently it isn't as people are claiming to have actually seen Snooki at Rutgers this week.  According to the HuffPo, the expenses come from the student activity fee which if you went to college you know is mandatory for all students (regardless of if they agree on the "activity" the funds are allocated for).  These fees can approach 1000 dollars/year depending on the school.  Frankly, my first thought was: I thought Snooki would demand more than $32,000 for an appearance, but when you think of the state of the economy this does seem frivolous.  This just goes to show that when you live in a capitalist country, the people with the capital can do whatever the hell they want with their money.  I'm just sayin'.

I'm sure Snooki brought plenty of pickles with her to Rutgers

Snooki Hits Up Monday Night RAW

This is sad, mostly because I think the last Jersey Shore castmate to go on the WWE was Angelina Pivarnick who's... well, ya know.  She's a mess.  I guess Snooki is a mess, too, but she definitely has more credibility than any other characters on the show.  It's funny because a month or two ago, Snooki went on the 4th hour of the Today Show with Kathy Lee and Hoda and Kathy told Snooki to respect herself eliciting a "WTF!  You should talk".  But maybe Kathy was right.  Someone on the rise like Snooki does not need to go on Monday Night Raw.  Anyway, just watch the clip.

Snooki In Wonderland!

What's amazing about this is actually that you can buy it for only 99 cents.  Anyway, a bunch of guys with lots of time on their hands decided to get together and rework "Alice in Wonderland" with Snooki in the role of Alice, which sounds kinda dumb but when you look at the images actually looks pretty cool!  The "book" can be purchased on Amazon or via the website: snookiinwonderland.  (via the Daily What)