The 10 Reality Shows That Defined Reality Television

"GTL, baby!"

This is a post I am happy to write.  Sometimes writing posts for this blog is like pulling teeth (...or undergoing a sex change operation without anesthesia.  Well, maybe not that bad...), but when I get to look back at all the time I have wasted watching reality television, or science fiction movies, or writing awful poetry and prose... it actually makes me happy.  Let's face it, we live in the generation of reality television.  It's hard to believe that only 18 years ago (back in 1992) Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murphy created reality television as we know it with their iconic series The Real World.  We wouldn't have The Bachelor, The Apprentice, Brain-Damaged Beach Guidos and Guidettes.. I mean Jersey Shore, Big Brother, or any of that other stuff if it weren't for people with names like Heather B, Norman, and Rebecca who decided to live in a house together even though they were seven strangers picked to live in a house...  Because of them, we got to see Paula Abdul act stupid in front of millions of fans, Whitney Houston try desperately to conceal her drug addiction while cackling like a mad woman, Jessica Simpson confused by both buffalo wings AND tuna ("I don't get it.  Is it chicken or is it fish?  Why is it called 'Chicken of the Sea'?").  You get the idea.  It's hard to say if the influence of The Real World was beneficial for human civilization or malign, but all I know is that my life would not have been the same (sad, I know) if it were not for the following ten shows that defined American reality as we know it.


10. My Life On The D List:

"God damn eye doctors fucking with my eyes again!"

9. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila:

"But what if I already have herpes?  Then everything's fine, right?"

8. Newlyweds with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson:

"Nick, buffalos don't have wings!

7. The Ultimate Fighter:

"Um... I don't know how my hair ended up like this..."

6. The Hills:

"Why can't you just... support me!  You don't live in L.A., you live in the mountains!"

5. Jersey Shore:

Snooki creates her trademark "poof"

4. Being Bobby Brown:

"BOBBBAAAYYY!"

3. Flavor of Love with Flavor Flav:

Flav dissed Tiffany not once, but twice!

2. I Love New York:

Tiffany's revenge.  "Stop lookin' at my tits, Buddha!  I know you want some, but damn!"

1. The Real World:

Heather B in the house!

She Lives: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Taylor Armstrong

"I'm Taylor Armstrong and I'm a fucking alien, sweetie!"

No lie.  This post would probably be more aptly entitled "The Plastic Surgery of Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong" because, as far as obvious plastic surgery goes, this woman (with the possible exception of Jocelyn Wildenstein) takes the cake.  She has had so much facial liposuction that the bone contours of her skull are patently obvious.  I'm sure kissing her on the cheek would be a pleasant experience, like licking a smiling cheese grater.  Taylor has also had the usual rhinoplasties, chin/cheek implants, collagen or silicon lip injections, breast augmentation, eye and brow lifts, and I am willing to bet that she has probably also had Botox. Honestly, I would probably know the answer to that question if I watched the show, but these bitches are so catty (slapping and scratching each other as their huge breasts float on the surface of the pool) that I consider this show to be (gasp) unwatchable.  And this from a man that has never walked out on a TV (whatever that means) or a film, except Seed of Chucky, which has to be the worst film ever made.

"The look I was going for was late 80s alien capitalist chic!"

As soon as I saw a pic of Taylor Armstrong with her husband on dlisted, I immediately thought of the aliens from John Carpenter's cult classic They Live.  Check out screen grabs here.  They Live is a film that manages to rail against both the superficiality of television culture and capitalism.  My kind of film.  Yes, I spend hours and hours watching TV every week and am a complete hypocrite to talk about evil TV culture, but even the Greeks understood that hypocrisy was human.  Wasn't it Apollo that said: "One must exercise moderation in all things, including moderation"?  Or was that the Bulgarian hedonist cab driver I met in Brooklyn last week?  Who knows?  Only the plebs remember the details.

In Case You Missed It: Paris Hilton Gets Filleted On The View

Paris is an infrequent subject here on Robots in Masquerade (because it's sort of "Been there, done that"), but she is the epitome of the type of celebrity that this site is dedicated to.  A plastic, empty-headed caricature of a real human being.  And yes, Paris Hilton has another reality show called The World According To Paris premiering on WE and none of us should be surprised.  I mean, she doesn't really have the skills to do anything else and "reality" (like being shipped to a farm to shovel horse dung with Nicole Ritchie) is how she became famous in the first place, so why shouldn't she go back to the basics?  Very, very basic.  Like lounging nekkid in the bathtub with the cameras rolling.  In any event, Whoopi and Barbara are rather forward with Paris, highlighting the contradictions between what she says about her life and the "reality" as depicted in the show.  Watch the clip!

It's Here: The UK's Version of Jersey Shore: Geordie Shore

Alright, I actually sat through the first episode of Geordie Shore, which seemed more like a parody of Jersey Shore, than a legitimate reality show of its own.  Watching the show, I don't know whether to bemoan American cultural imperialism or to recognize that there are stupid orange people all over the world.  I wish I could tell you what happened in the episode but I could not understand the accents and there were no subtitles so I'm not entirely sure.  All I know is that these kids are called "Geordie" because they are from Newcastle and that, just like the Jersey Shore kids, they are mostly concerned with staying tanned, getting laid, and keeping fit.  The show honestly seems more like Big Brother or Bachelor Pad than Jersey Shore because basically there is a complete absence of anything resembling a personality in the characters and basically nothing really happens.  Obviously this is the first episode, but basically all that happened was the kids (whose names I don't remember.  I think there was a "Gaz" and a "Gregg") got really wasted and then hung out in the hot tub speaking unintelligibly.  That's about it, folks.  I wonder how many brain cells I lost watching this show???

I think "Gaz" might be the Pauly D of the show

Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub Becoming Stripper

Someone's life is spiraling down the tubes.  Way to be a role model for your two daughters Danielle.  According to TMZ (via dlisted) Daniele Staub, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, has agreed to strip for "one live show per year" for Scores Night Club in NYC, as well as appearing in web cam shows "every now and again".  I really hope Staub's enduring shame came at a high price (at least seven figures).

Ice T and Wife Coco Get Reality Television Show

All it takes to get a reality show in this day and age is a pulse and something "off" about you: like being as tanned as a burnt Dorito (Jersey Shore), the lack of any discernible personality (Audrina), or getting into fights while putting in a weave at a Beverly Hills hair salon (Beverly Hills Fabulous).  So why shouldn't Ice T and his enormous everything wife Coco get their own show?  It's called Ice Loves Coco (it will appear on E!) and Yes, I will be watching it.  Hell yes.

Audrina Episodes 2/3 Recap: Corey's Back

Need your Audrina fix?  If you do, then you are in luck because two (count 'em: TWO) episodes of Audrina have aired since the premiere and they are up and available for viewing.  I have to admit it: I am addicted to Audrina and I have absolutely no problem watching back to back Audrina episodes.  Episode 2 revolved around the 26th wedding anniversary of Audrina's parents.  Audrina decided that the best way for her and her siblings to honor their parents was for each of them to write a speech and read it during the anniversary party.  During the party, Audrina created a slide show of all of the pictures of their family during the years and each of the siblings read a heartfelt speech which brought Audrina's parents to tears.  Audrina's Dad surprised his wife by giving her an empty ring box so that they could go and pick a ring together, so it would be one that she wanted.  During her Dad's thank you speech to all of their guests, Audrina's BF Corey shows up (which was totally staged).  In episode 3, we meet Kyle, the husband of Audrina's sister Casey.  He seems like a nice enough guy and he's all tatted up like her.  During a lunch date with Audrina, Audrina's Mom reveals her opinion that the family's problems with Casey all stem from Kyle attempting to isolate her.  Meanwhile, Corey is in town and he thinks Audrina is being selfish and ignoring him so Audrina plans an incredible Valentine's Day Day by arranging a skydiving trip.  Afterwards, Corey has to return to his career as a BMX racer in Australia leaving Audrina with doubts about whether or not he's the one.

Audrina Season Premiere Recap: Welcome To Audrina's World

Yes, The Hills' Audrina Patridge has her own show on VH1 (interestingly enough, since Lauren Conrad's reality show was scrapped by MTV.  Way to one-up LC, Audrina!).  It's all about Audrina's family and thankfully she has a crazy Mom to bring the drama.  I have to say, I was certainly skeptical when I heard that Audrina was getting her own show and I don't know that I am entirely convinced after watching the first episode.  Honestly, they should call this show "I'm with STUPID" and leave it up to the viewer to figure out which one is "stupid".  I'm just kidding.  Audrina has an awesome family, of which half of the members seem to be covered in tats, which is kinda cool.  In the first episode, we got to see Audrina get raunchy during a photo shoot with a British photographer, and later we saw Audrina and her brother Marky go condo shopping in Orange County.  The episode ended with Audrina sitting down with her family (Audrina has two sisters and one brother) for a nice family dinner at home.  It became clear right away that Audrina's Mom Lynn and her sister Casey really are not particularly fond of one another.  It looks like the drama in the show will revolve around the two of them.  As much as it seems that Audrina does not really deserve a reality show, if the cast of Beverly Hills Fabulous deserves a show, there's no reason why Audrina shouldn't have one, too.  I'm addicted already!

Audrina gets sexy during her photo shoot!

Heidi Montag To Get New Reality Show With Jake Pavelka And Danielle Staub

It has been a very long time since there has been any real Heidi news.  The last I heard of Heidi and Spencer, they were attempting to get a rap career going by hooking up with Ice Cream face tattoo rapper Gucci Mane.  Before that, the word on the street was that Heidi wanted to join the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, now that Camille Grammer has left the show.  Well, the big story today is that Heidi will be joining other out of work reality stars Jake Pavelka and Danielle Staub in a new reality show.  No one seems to know what the premise of the show is and this is such a random pairing of people that my only guess is that this is either another incarnation of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" or perhaps a new show called: "Make Me Into A Reality Star!"  Otherwise, who knows.  I do have to say, however, that clearly (from the pictures below) Heidi has stopped injecting her lips.  She's looking similar to how she looked before she became plastic surgery obsessed.  She still has the humongous Spencer Pratt fun bags though.  I'm sure Spencer has lots of fun with those.  (via Daily Mail)

Jake Pavelka and Heidi have a play date in L.A.

Heidi's face is sorta getting back to normal.

New VH1 Reality Show: Love and Hip Hop

Last night saw the premiere of VH1's new reality television show Love and Hip Hop about the lives of the women behind the men in the Hip-Hop industry, described during the opening credits as a "Brutal Boys Club".  I hope no one will hold it against me when I say that this show was a mess.  First of all, the show stars 90s hip hop sensation Olivia (whose career has taken a down turn), up and coming West Coast "rapper" Somaya, Chrissy (longterm GF of Jim Jones), and Emily (GF and stylist of rapper Fabolous).  There is also an appearance from Mashonda, the baby mamma of Swizz Beatz (AKA Mr. Alicia Keys).  Basically, the show started off with Emily talking to Chrissy and Olivia about how tough it is to be with Fabolous when he refuses to even acknowledge her.  Then the show fast forwards to Chrissy and Jim Jones's relationship, which seems like kind of a sham IMHO.  The drama begins when the viewer is introduced to rapper Somaya who is attempting to break into the East Coast rap scene requiring that she relocate to NY.  Somaya shows up at Jim Jones's studio and he says that she should have no problem getting her record out there because she's pretty.  Next thing we know, the girls are all at an NBA Draft party in Manhattan when all of the sudden Chrissy is sizing up and giving dirty looks to Somaya as they head to the ladies room (the song "Meeting in the Ladies Room" comes to mind).  Somaya  follows Chrissy into the ladies room where Chrissy essentially reveals that she's jealous because Somaya is spending time with her man.  The problem with the show is that it's sloppy.  It's obvious that the encounter between Somaya and Chrissy was staged and  scripted; and most of the women don't have enough of a personality to carry this kind of show.  At least the women on Basketball Wives are somewhat interesting.  I don't foresee this show lasting very long.  That being said, there is no question that I shall be watching the next episode.

Somaya is clearly going to be the target for the other women during the show because she's an outsider and her entire persona is very sexualized (please note the leopard print and enormous breasts)

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3, Episode 9 Recap: Proud To Be American

The competition is winding down with the queen that everyone love's to hate, Delta Work, going home on the last episode.  This episode was all about being patriotic.  The challenge at the top of the episode was for the queens to glam up a bra with their own personal style and Manila Luzon won the challenge by cutting holes in the nipples of the bra and pretending to shoot people with her nipple rays.  The episode challenge was to create a Public Service Announcement (PSA) for the troops serving overseas.  Alexis Matteo and Shangela got the most kudos from the judges, but Shangela fell flat during the runway show.  Yara Sofia did not impress the judges with her staple over-the-top Puerto Rican performance.  Raja did an awesome job during the runway show wearing a Village People Indian outfit.  In the end, Carmen and Yara Sofia had to lip-synch "para tu vida" (mistake on Ru's part: it's actually por tu vida) and in the end, Ru decided to let them both stay.  I was sure that Yara was going because Ru loves the pretty queens and is probably sleeping with Carmen (y'all know that Ru sleeps with at least one of the queens in each season, right?).  My guess is she's sleeping with Raja and Carmen.  Alexis Matteo deservedly won the challenge and proved that, although not the prettiest drag queen, she has the most heart and personality and may actually win this.

Raja narrowly escaped being in the bottom two this week

The Reality Show You Need To Be Watching: Basketball Wives

Leave it to VH1 to come up with a reality show that is simultaneously abhorrent, addictive, and amazing.  This is the network that brought us Rock of Love, I Love New York, Chance At Love, and Celebrity Rehab (multiple seasons).  Having seen most of these shows, it really isn't very surprising that Basketball Wives is both so bad and so good.  Now in its second season, the series follows the "wives", girlfriends, and groupies of professional NBA players.  On Monday, the finale of season 2 aired and it was nothing less than a shitstorm.  The most controversial character on the show is New Yorker Evelyn Lozada who cannot say two sentences without four or five curse words, and who seems ready to fight with anything that moves at all times (in spite of what is clearly a heavily surgerized body and blonde weave).  Well, she messed with the wrong girl on the last episode.  After Tami, another one of the "wives" (actually, an ex-wife) reveals to the girls at dinner that she is so happy to have found a new group of friends (and she says all this while crying), Evelyn reveals that she dated Tami's husband Kenny Anderson (formerly of the Celtics) for 6 months while Tami was still married to him, claiming that they only had sex twice and that she did not know he was married.  Tami, who appears to be calmed by the presence of Shaunie O'Neal (Shaq's ex-wife) and Jennifer Williams, stands up but seems inclined to talk (or yell) it out, but then Evelyn yells "You were a non-factor, bitch!" and that's when Tami lunges for Evelyn as if she wants to kill her, with Evelyn yelling "No, STOP!!!"  As trashy as this show is, like Jersey Shore, it's addictive because it's like watching a train wreck over and over for 45 minutes.  Unfortunately, the season is over.  Can't wait for the next one!

Evelyn and Shaunie O'Neal.  As most of us know, Evelyn is now engaged to Cincinatti Bengals' Chad Ochocinco (who also had his own VH1 unreality show)