She Lives: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Taylor Armstrong

"I'm Taylor Armstrong and I'm a fucking alien, sweetie!"

No lie.  This post would probably be more aptly entitled "The Plastic Surgery of Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong" because, as far as obvious plastic surgery goes, this woman (with the possible exception of Jocelyn Wildenstein) takes the cake.  She has had so much facial liposuction that the bone contours of her skull are patently obvious.  I'm sure kissing her on the cheek would be a pleasant experience, like licking a smiling cheese grater.  Taylor has also had the usual rhinoplasties, chin/cheek implants, collagen or silicon lip injections, breast augmentation, eye and brow lifts, and I am willing to bet that she has probably also had Botox. Honestly, I would probably know the answer to that question if I watched the show, but these bitches are so catty (slapping and scratching each other as their huge breasts float on the surface of the pool) that I consider this show to be (gasp) unwatchable.  And this from a man that has never walked out on a TV (whatever that means) or a film, except Seed of Chucky, which has to be the worst film ever made.

"The look I was going for was late 80s alien capitalist chic!"

As soon as I saw a pic of Taylor Armstrong with her husband on dlisted, I immediately thought of the aliens from John Carpenter's cult classic They Live.  Check out screen grabs here.  They Live is a film that manages to rail against both the superficiality of television culture and capitalism.  My kind of film.  Yes, I spend hours and hours watching TV every week and am a complete hypocrite to talk about evil TV culture, but even the Greeks understood that hypocrisy was human.  Wasn't it Apollo that said: "One must exercise moderation in all things, including moderation"?  Or was that the Bulgarian hedonist cab driver I met in Brooklyn last week?  Who knows?  Only the plebs remember the details.

Heidi Montag Behind The Bar On Famous Food

Yes, Heidi Montag has found a way to keep her surgically-enhanced face and body in the news.  Heidi, along with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, are the stars of a new reality show called Famous Food, in which the three are roped into working in a restaurant and bar.  Heidi is growing into her face and is looking less and less like Joan Rivers.  Good on ya, Heidi.

Tags: Famous Food, Reality TV Shows, Reality TV Shows 6

Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub Becoming Stripper

Someone's life is spiraling down the tubes.  Way to be a role model for your two daughters Danielle.  According to TMZ (via dlisted) Daniele Staub, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, has agreed to strip for "one live show per year" for Scores Night Club in NYC, as well as appearing in web cam shows "every now and again".  I really hope Staub's enduring shame came at a high price (at least seven figures).

Heidi Montag To Get New Reality Show With Jake Pavelka And Danielle Staub

It has been a very long time since there has been any real Heidi news.  The last I heard of Heidi and Spencer, they were attempting to get a rap career going by hooking up with Ice Cream face tattoo rapper Gucci Mane.  Before that, the word on the street was that Heidi wanted to join the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, now that Camille Grammer has left the show.  Well, the big story today is that Heidi will be joining other out of work reality stars Jake Pavelka and Danielle Staub in a new reality show.  No one seems to know what the premise of the show is and this is such a random pairing of people that my only guess is that this is either another incarnation of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" or perhaps a new show called: "Make Me Into A Reality Star!"  Otherwise, who knows.  I do have to say, however, that clearly (from the pictures below) Heidi has stopped injecting her lips.  She's looking similar to how she looked before she became plastic surgery obsessed.  She still has the humongous Spencer Pratt fun bags though.  I'm sure Spencer has lots of fun with those.  (via Daily Mail)

Jake Pavelka and Heidi have a play date in L.A.

Heidi's face is sorta getting back to normal.