The Duchess of Alba and The Priest That Loved Her

The Duchess of Alba marries Jesus Aguirre while her eldest son, the Duke of Huescar, looks on.

As we continue to commemorate the recently-announced marriage of Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Solis, 18th Duchess of Alba to Alfonso Diez, a "civil servant", the present is a convenient time to take a look back at the last (second) marriage of the duchess, which was to a former priest named Jesus Aguirre in 1978.  As we know, the duchess's first husband, Pedro Luis Martinez de Irujo had passed away in 1972, and the duchess took six years to make it to the altar with the fallen priest that she loved and who seemed to love her.  At this point (in 1978), the Duchess had begun to acquire a bit of the look that she has carried with her to the present: large, afro-like shock of red hair as coiffure, and subtle smile to her closed-lipped, drawn in face.  The second marriage of the duchess took place in her primary Madrid residence, the Palacio de Liria, a sumptuous palace museum in the center of town.  The duchess remained married to Jesus Aguirre until his death in 2001.  At that point, the duchess had been married to her two husbands for a total of 48 years (1947-1972 and 1978-2001).   As can be discerned from the picture below, the duchess's family assisted in the private wedding with Aguirre at the Palacio de Liria, but it seems that, with the present family opposition to Mr. Diez, they shall not be assisting at her forthcoming marriage.  Oh well.  She has plenty of time to make another visit to Dr. Chop-en-Stein, elite plastic surgeon to the mentally numb, fickle, and vain, while she attempts to sort things out with her sons.

Click image to enlarge

"A fallen priest is the perfect husband because he can explain to me what the fuck is going on when we go to Mass!  Me gusta!"

She Lives: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Taylor Armstrong

"I'm Taylor Armstrong and I'm a fucking alien, sweetie!"

No lie.  This post would probably be more aptly entitled "The Plastic Surgery of Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Taylor Armstrong" because, as far as obvious plastic surgery goes, this woman (with the possible exception of Jocelyn Wildenstein) takes the cake.  She has had so much facial liposuction that the bone contours of her skull are patently obvious.  I'm sure kissing her on the cheek would be a pleasant experience, like licking a smiling cheese grater.  Taylor has also had the usual rhinoplasties, chin/cheek implants, collagen or silicon lip injections, breast augmentation, eye and brow lifts, and I am willing to bet that she has probably also had Botox. Honestly, I would probably know the answer to that question if I watched the show, but these bitches are so catty (slapping and scratching each other as their huge breasts float on the surface of the pool) that I consider this show to be (gasp) unwatchable.  And this from a man that has never walked out on a TV (whatever that means) or a film, except Seed of Chucky, which has to be the worst film ever made.

"The look I was going for was late 80s alien capitalist chic!"

As soon as I saw a pic of Taylor Armstrong with her husband on dlisted, I immediately thought of the aliens from John Carpenter's cult classic They Live.  Check out screen grabs here.  They Live is a film that manages to rail against both the superficiality of television culture and capitalism.  My kind of film.  Yes, I spend hours and hours watching TV every week and am a complete hypocrite to talk about evil TV culture, but even the Greeks understood that hypocrisy was human.  Wasn't it Apollo that said: "One must exercise moderation in all things, including moderation"?  Or was that the Bulgarian hedonist cab driver I met in Brooklyn last week?  Who knows?  Only the plebs remember the details.

Derek Blanks Delivers A Silicone-Pumped Version of Brandy

"I'm runnin' on empty, y'all, and Mama won't stop calling me!"

Okay, correction: Derek Blanks is the guy that created a new "Alter-ego" for pop legend Brandy, who I guess has nothing to do since her VH1 reality show got canned.  Brandy has spent the last three albums (and more than 5 years) trying to revive the success that she achieved in early life with her hit show Moesha and her singles "The Boy Is Mine", "Have You Ever", etc.  Brandy had an almost successful run on Dancing With The Stars and continues to insist that she should have won (blame America for that, Brandy).  The singer also clearly has an obsession with going under the knife and, honestly, I am not the one that is going to say that no one should ever get plastic surgery ever (because if I had the money and the surgeon was sure he could give me a good one, I would be first in line at Dr. Chop-en-stein's Rhinoplasty Clinic), but there comes a point in which one has to stop.  This is really the issue with getting plastic surgery in the first place: people do not know when to say "Enough is enough".  Well, Brandy, I am here to tell you enough is enough.  We all see you spiraling down fast (like when you got a tattoo of the Hindu god Ganesh and tweeted about your new "Egyptian" tattoo), and some of us want to help (by writing acerbic blog posts about you, obviously).

"I'm channeling Tutankhamen here.  He's the Chinese god of beauty, right?  You know Mama took me outta school when I was ten, y'all!"

Brandy is a beautiful girl and she has an incredible voice.  Frankly, she is much more talented than the Britneys, Lady Gagas, and Katy Perrys of the world, but it seems like her time is passed.  I don't know if her plastic surgery addiction is an issue of merely body image, or if it has to do with wanting to stay competitive in L.A.  It is probably a combination of the two, but it IS interesting to analyze Brandy from the point of view of a child star, which is really what she was.  Brandy's female pimp Mom had her doing singing tours with that bluebird voice from an early age and she was landing acting gigs in her preteen years.  Brandy was a teenager on Thea and Moesha and then achieved superstar status right when she was on the cusp of womanhood (Woohoo! I found an excuse to use the word 'cusp'!).  As a child star, it is natural that Brandy would have self-esteem issues and feel a deep need for external validation (by her parents and fans).  One way to do that is to stay beautiful, especially when you have Mama Norwood calling you ever five minutes because she's standing in line at the Check Cashing place and she wants her damn money.  Having watched an episode of Brandy and Ray J: A Family Prostitution Ring, or whatever it is called, I can see that Mama Norwood still has her hands tightly on the Brandy puppet strings and she is not letting go.  And so here we are with the new Brandy by Derek Blanks: a silicone-pumped version of the Brandy Norwood that we (or maybe just me) have come to know and love.  As much as I hate Dr. Drew, maybe we need to get him to give Brandy a psych assessment, because she damn sure needs it.  (via bossip)

Heidi Montag, Star of Famous Food, Can Make These Nine Facial Expressions

So, I finally got around to watching Famous Food (which is going head to head with Saddle Ranch as the worst reality show on television) on VH1 and I was bored so I decided to catalog the facial expressions that Heidi Montag is able to make (considering her numerous surgical procedures).  This is sort of an ode to Megan Fox's now infamous tweet of the things she can do since she hasn't had Botox.  Well, these are the things that Heidi's face can do, so hold on to your seats:

Heidi hasn't had the chance to be "sad" on the show yet, but this is a flashback to Heidi's appearance on The Hills after she had ten surgical procedures in one day, and I guess I would call this "soul-crushing sadness"!

Lil' Kim Was Looking Very Plastic At Her Surprise Birthday Bash

...actually, Kim looks better than usual here.  She's still trying to rock that "I'm just a bimbo from Tom's River" look, but she decided to take a left turn at Jocelyn Wildenstein and redirect herself back toward Sammi from Jersey Shore.  Nice work, Kim.  According to Rap-up, the bash was a "surprise" (which means that Kim had to put on her surprised face when she walked into the club) and it was held in Miami, so there had to be at least one cast member from Basketball Wives in attendance and it turns out that (drum roll please!) Evelyn "You're a Non-fucking Factor, Bitch!" Lozada was there.  Not much of a shocker that it would be her since the rumors are swirling that she and Chad Ochocinco Johnson are on the "outs", which I believe since I pretty much created the theory that Chad was only going out with her to get more face time and get his reality show on VH1 picked up again.  And since Chad is a media whore who is only with Evelyn for the publicity (with free smoosh sessions thrown into the bargain), it is only natural that Evelyn would be out looking for another baller to foot the bills for her lifestyle (and hopefully save Dulce from being bought on the cheap by a Middle Eastern princess looking to establish a foothold in South Beach).  Not funny?  They can't all be winners.  In any event, Happy B-day, Kim!  You can see a video of the event on Rap-Up!

"OMG!  Did Dr. Chop-en-stein do your nose, too?  He's the best!"

From left to right: Tranny, Floyd Mayweather, Lil' Kim, The top of someone's head, and Thing 1

Megan Fox, What Have You Done To Your Face?

I've always been a supporter of Megan Fox, through all of the bad acting in the Transformers films (especially Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), through all the various transformations of her face, through all the multiple pictures of her with cameltoe (seriously, does Megan Fox ever NOT have cameltoe?), even through Megan being kicked out of the Transformers franchise for making some stupid remark about Jews and Steven Spielberg.  I even managed to find it within me to support her during all that (because she and Jessica Alba are easily the hottest women on the planet), but, Megan, seriously, what have you done to your face?  Only days after tweeting what her non-Botox-ex face looked like, as proof that she has not had Botox, Megan appeared in New York yesterday looking like a younger/slimmer Shannen Doherty on crack.  These photos do not even look like Megan Fox.  It's actually scary.  While I plan a full-blown "The Plastic Surgery of Megan Fox" post (because the list of things this girl has done to herself is growing faster than my third leg during the first half an hour of 300), let's just address the altered shape of her face.  Clearly, Megan is getting fillers of some kind and this is absolutely the wrong thing for someone her age.  It is one thing for late 40s/early 50s hoes like Heather Locklear or Hunter Tylo to get fat injections in the face to smooth out the areas that might wrinkle, but it is all wrong when someone in their 20s like Megan goes this route.  For one thing, the wrinkles will likely be worse if and when she decides to stop injecting her face (forcing her to continue to inject... forever).  And honestly, Megan is too pretty as it is to need any of this.  Her face has a rounder, healthier look now, but that sort of "I just survived a fifteen hour smoosh session with Brian Austin Green" wasted look kind of suited her. Now she really does look like a blow-up doll.  Why, Megan?  What have you done?

"At least you can't see my cameltoe this time, right?  I decided to have my labia shortened and the extra skin injected into my cheeks."

"Don't you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my leopard skin iPhone?"

"This is my happy face."

"Thank god I wore extra makeup today so no one can see the scar from my chin implant last month!"

This is the same comparison I used for the "Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery Addiction" feature.  Heather Locklear (like Carrot Top) has injected fillers into her face to give it a rounder, more youthful look.  But when the person this is done to already has youth (like Megan) the fillers actually can make you look  older.

Megan Fox Got Kicked Out Of Transformers But She Can Make Her Forehead Talk

This is actually Megan Fox, not some plastic surgery addicted girl in Hong Kong posting pics to 4chan.

Megan Fox posted some pics to her Facebook page yesterday as proof to all of her followers that she has not had Botox.  Obviously, you cannot make your forehead whisper sweet nothings as demonstrated below if you've had Botox.  Why anyone would care about this is beyond me.  Frankly, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly Kim Kardashian is injecting into her ass since it's not silicone.  So, even if Megan Fox is not injecting Botox to make her face as smooth as a baby's bottom, there is still a whole lot of other mess going on up there.  Her eyebrows look like she's taking beauty lessons from Cruella DeVil, her lips look like she just got bitch slapped by Ike, and her eyes look like she's out of whatever it is Brian Austin Green is giving her to calm her down.  I'm just sayin'.  Megan, you totally peaked in the first Transformers, so whatever it is you are doing to your face, stop now!

"I wouldn't be able to do this if I was on Botox.  Cocaine, yes.  Botox, no."

"Me so sowwwy.  Me bad secretary.  Me promise bring whip next time.  Me promise let you lip starrrkings."

"You did WHAT to my blow-up doll?"

X-ray Proves That Kim Kardashian's Ass is Real

"Look, assholes.  My ass is real, kay?"

If you have watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians or Khloe and Lamar or any one of the attempts by the Kardashian family to prove that they are not media parasites, but important cultural figures in America, then you probably know that Kim Kardashian is adamant that we all know that her ass is real.  Kim has been the subject of claims that her backside was surgically enhanced since she first catapulted to fame in 2007 when her sex tape with rapper Ray J was released.  It is hard to believe that this occurred only four years ago - if I had to guess, I would have said the sex tape fiasco happened ten years ago - but Kim has denied the rumors ever since.  Now she has "proof".  I'm not sure why Kim is unveiling the evidence now, with her wedding to Kris Humphries looming on the horizon, but I'm sure it's all part of a diabolical scheme sprung from the mind of Kris Jenner.  Kim's sister Khloe posted this picture of an alleged x-ray of Kim's ass to her blog.  The x-ray reveals the absence of any foreign objects (like bags of silicone) in Kim's ass, but an x-ray would not be able to prove that Kim has not had fat injections in her ass.  Injections of fat from one part of Kim's body to another would resemble the fat already present in Kim's ass and thus not be distinguishable on an x-ray.  In fact, it is not uncommon for women in Hollywood to get liposuction of their midsection (or other problem areas of their body) and have the fat re-injected into their ass.  The infamous plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag (who underwent ten procedures in one day in 2010) has undergone this procedure to plump what she perceived was a flat ass.  If we were to take an x-ray of Heidi's ass, we would not be able to tell that she has had anything done, even though we know that she has.  So, sorry, Kim and Khloe.  The x-ray proves nothing! (via dlisted)

Kim with her stylist in New York last night.

Heidi Montag Behind The Bar On Famous Food

Yes, Heidi Montag has found a way to keep her surgically-enhanced face and body in the news.  Heidi, along with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, are the stars of a new reality show called Famous Food, in which the three are roped into working in a restaurant and bar.  Heidi is growing into her face and is looking less and less like Joan Rivers.  Good on ya, Heidi.

Tags: Famous Food, Reality TV Shows, Reality TV Shows 6

Kathy Griffin Has A Facelift To Combat Scurvy, Explains All on Gurrl Down

Not really. It's just an awesome analogical attack on Bristol Palin's reasoning behind her chin surgery.  That reminds me, I really should do a piece on the plastic surgery of Kathy Griffin (via omgblog)

Christina Hendricks And Her Huge Breasts Make It To Lake Como

I don't know, she just looks fat here.  She has to be curvy for her Mad Men role, since that's what she's there for, but her body is certainly expanding horizontally.  On a positive note, it looks like her... uh... bust size has benefited from the weight she's put on recently.  Before you fall into the trap of thinking the lovely Ms. Hendricks is all natural, take a look at this old photo shoot from Playboy, where it becomes obvious that the incredible bust she has is very much enhanced.  (via Daily Mail)

Christina and her much smaller bust are on the far right, gazing into the camera

The Plastic Surgery of Johanna Tukiainen

Stand back folks, she might explode!

If you are American (or a resident of another English-speaking country), the first logical question you should be asking yourself is "Who the f*$k is Johanna Tukiainen?"  Well, you can probably tell by the name that she is Finnish (as she has that typical Finnish -nen ending to her surname) and it turns out that she is a celebrity in her native country of Finland, as sort of a Pamela Anderson type of character.  I came to know about her rather accidentally this week and decided that she would be a perfect topic of discussion for the plastic surgery addiction segment of this site.  As can be easily discerned from the before and after pictures, Ms. Tukiainen (whose sister is apparently a well-known porn star in Finland) has fallen prey to the typical barrage of plastic surgery procedures that is not only becoming common in even ordinary men and women today, but is practically ubiquitous when it comes to "celebrities" of the sort that Tukiainen belongs to, essentially women with no career other than being recognizable in pictures and TV to common people.

Johanna Tukiainen "Before"

Alright, so now that we know who she is, what procedures has she had done?  Inspecting the shape and contour of Tukiainen's face (partially obscured by all the weight that she has put on in the last five years or so), it seems apparent that this young woman has not only undergone the typical lip injections and rhinoplasty, but has significantly altered the shape of her face.  A casual observation suggests that Johanna Tukiainen has, at least, undergone: (1) silicone lip injections, (2) rhinoplasty, (3) cheek implants, (4) chin implant, (5) blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery), (6) breast implants.  She likely has also undergone botox and fat injections into the face, both of which are rather unnecessary in someone of her age (she's 33 years old).  Ms. Tukiainen is an extreme example of the trap that Heidi Montag and other relatively young women have fallen into.  Her face has been so heavily modified that she appears to be at least ten years older than her actual age.  This woman is only thirty-three years old and she looks like a Japanese fantasy blow-up doll.  I guess that's cool if you like that sort of thing.

Peek-a-Boo!

The 1947 Marriage of The Duchess of Alba

To commemorate Her Excellency The Duchess of Alba landing the cover of Vanity Fair Spain, we have decided to go back in time and take a look at the 1947 marriage of Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva (then known as the Duchess of Montoro) to her first husband Luis Martinez de Irujo.  She married the son of the Duke of Sotomayor on October 12, 1947 in Seville and it was considered by some "the last great aristocratic marriage in Spain".  It appears here that the natural color of the duchess's hair is brown or auburn.  She resorted to dyeing it blond and then pure red in later life.

The Duchess of Montoro (Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart) with her father the 17th Duke of Alba (on her right) and her husband Luis Martinez de Irujo (on her left)

The Duchess of Montoro with her parents

The Duchess of Montoro cutting her fabulous cake with her new husband

An incredible newspaper clipping showing the marriage in Seville on October 12, 1947

The Duchess of Alba, Plastic Surgery Addict, On The Cover of Vanity Fair

The Duchess of Alba is 85 years-old.  Phil Poynter/Vanity Fair

Her Excellency Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, Grandee of Spain, a descendant of the Stuart kings of Scotland and England, is on the cover of the June issue of Vanity Fair Spain and actually looks somewhat better than usual.  The 85 year-old aristocrat is one of the most famous plastic surgery addicts in Europe, and a fixture in the Spanish social scene.  She represents a remnant of one of the most exclusive, and unusual, European aristocracies and her ancestors resided in a court that was (along with Court of Austria) the most rigid and formal in Europe.  Spain, unlike most European noble establishments, allows titles to easily be inherited by women and transmitted through women to their descendants and the Duchess of Alba became the most titled person in Spain (outside of the royal family) when she inherited more than three dozen titles (including seven dukedoms) from her parents, in the 1950s.  Indeed, the mother of seven has a fascinating personal and family history that has not been adequately examined by the American press.  The Duchess is a tigress and we have not seen the last of her on Robots in Masquerade.

Her Excellency The Duchess of Alba in 1956.  She was quite a beauty, especially for Spain where the noble ladies do not have the reputation for looks.

The Plastic Surgery of Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin after possible plastic surgery

Typically, when a celebrity undergoes plastic surgery the changes are so minor that only individuals paying close attention (or with expertise in the area, like the surgeons themselves), are able to spot the differences.  An example of a celebrity for which that assertion is true is Halle Berry, who has certainly had a significant amount of work done, but the changes are relatively minor and accumulated over time, so generally not noticeable to the casual observer.  Bristol Palin does not belong to this category as her "new face" can only be due to surgical work.  In spite of attempts at denial, the drastic changes that have occurred in Bristol's face cannot be attributed to loss of baby fat .  Let's take a look at the likely surgical procedures that Bristol has undergone by looking at before and after images.

Bristol Palin on the election trail in 2007

Frankly, politics aside, Bristol was not an unattractive young woman to begin with, but her face was rounder (due to a higher density of adipose tissue), her chin less prominent than presently, her eyelids more obvious, and her face overall less contoured.  Loss of early life fat can cause the face to appear more contoured, but the changes in Bristol are too sudden and significant to be attributed solely to that.  So what changes are likely to have been made?  Bristol Palin's new face can likely be attributed to: (1) chin implant, (2) rhinoplasty, (3) blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery), (4) liposuction of face and neck.  Anything beyond that is mostly speculation.  A general loss of fat in the face naturally (via weight loss) is unlikely to account for the increased prominence of her chin; her face is nothing less than drastically altered and it is very likely that facial liposuction is a major component of this. Facial (and neck) liposuction is less common in the United States and Canada than it is in countries like South Korea and Japan and therefore some Americans are not only less liable to notice it, but are actually entirely unaware of it.  Certain pictures that have surface of Bristol lately suggest that liposuction of the face is the single most likely procedure for her to have undergone recently.  Is it possible that Bristol has undergone other minor tweaks as well, such as (believe it or not) cheek implants, brow implants, lip injections, cosmetic dentistry, etc?  Of course it is possible, but the four procedures listed above are the ones for which there is the most evidence.

Bristol Palin in 2010 and Bristol Palin now

The Plastic Surgery of Naya Rivera, Glee's Santana

The stunning Naya Rivera makes for a very interesting case study for plastic surgery in a young person (Naya is only 24 years old) and, in fact, one has to admit after perusing her "before" photos that it is very difficult to say definitively whether or not the young woman has had any work done.  It is a frequent topic of conversation among Glee fanatics, primarily because Naya has a very singular appearing face, which forms a stark contrast with, frankly, her rather ordinary appearing classmates on the show, even characters like Finn and Quinn, who are supposed to be the local stars at McKinley High School in Lima, OH.  Interestingly, the case for a "yes" in the plastic surgery question is more convincing if one watches video of Naya, because her face appears to move very little.  In pictures, the case is less convincing.  Take a glance at Naya's before picture below.

Naya Rivera in high school (approx. ten years ago)

Naya was a pretty girl of mixed parentage (Puerto Rican, African-American, and German) and the bone structure of the face is essentially the same in 2011.  In particular, Naya's nose (the most common object of surgical correction in men and women of all ages) looks similar now to the way that it appeared then.  When the nose does appear different, one has to consider Naya's heavy use of makeup and the slimming effects that makeup can have on the nose when applied correctly (Yes, I have been watching way too much RuPaul's Drag Race).  Other than the nose, areas of interest for Naya are the eyes, cheeks, and lips.  Naya's cheekbones seem higher and her cheeks overall fuller now than they did when she was a high schooler, suggesting cheek implants.  With the eyes, it is difficult to say, again because of the heavy use of makeup.  The lips, on the other hand, are pretty convincing for lip enhancement of some kind.  She naturally has full lips, as a person of color, but the shape of the lips at present has a plumped, unnatural aspect, suggesting lip injections.

I would argue that, at present, Naya is likely to have had the following three procedures: (1) cheek implants, (2) collagen, fat, or restylane lip injections, (3) breast augmentation.  Other possibilities include rhinoplasty and chin implant, but I am not convinced about either of those.  Because Naya is so young, the results of her likely surgeries are more obvious than they would be in someone in their thirties.  Other examples of young, surgerized young women include the likely characters of Heidi Montag and Lindsay Lohan.  In fact, Lindsay appears more obviously surgerized than Heidi, even though Heidi has clearly had more surgeries in the 10-20 range.  [Yes, I realize 'surgerized' is not in the dictionary, but it's so convenient.]

Look at those lips

Breast augmentation anyone?