Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries's Wedding To Be Broadcast on E!

Kris: "Must... separate... scrotum... from... vagina... tentacles...!

It is official.  The reality wedding of the century - the joining of Ass-For-Days Kim Kardashian and Where's My Personality Kris Humphries - will be broadcast on E! on October 9th.  We knew this was going down, but we didn't know when or how.  It makes sense if you are a reality star to have your nuptials aired live because the network eats much of the cost for the fete, while freebies from sponsors (think drinks, flowers, costumes, etc.) is paid-for by sponsors looking to have their consumables at the weddings of millions of wannabe's worldwide.  I still have my money on this pair not making it to the altar OR the wedding being annulled after three or four months, but maybe Kim and Kris will weather the storm and prove me wrong.  Does Kris have the superhuman strength to extricate his balls from Kim's vagina tentacles?  We shall soon find out!

Kim Kardashian and Ass Go Shopping in L.A.

I'll be the first to admit that this isn't exactly newsworthy.  "Kim Kardashian and Ass Go Shopping in L.A." happened today, yesterday, the day before yesterday, last week, last month, on Christmas Eve, last year, the year before that... What IS interesting is to ponder what our obsession (or my obsession) with Kim Kardashian means exactly.  I have broached this subject before.  Should we smear Kim Kardashian's good name for catapulting to superstardom through a sex tape, a reality show where she manages to thin out multisyllabic words into monosyllables, the uncanny ability to appear devoid of any thought while pointing one's backside at a camera, and (possibly most egregiously of all) the way she foisted her entire family upon us without us realizing that she was doing it?  I mean, ensnaring professional athletes with your vagina tentacles is bad enough but now there are Americans, Britons, Canadians, etc. that can name every member of the Kardashian-Jenner clan and even draw diagrams showing three degrees of separation of the herpes virus between Brody Jenner and Lamar Odom.  Alright, that last one confused me to, but I'm sticking to my guns here.  Do not drag the Kim Kardashians of the world through the mud (they are already sullied as it is), but bemoan the society that produced them.  Kim Kardashians do not spring autochthonously (sp?) from the ground fully-equipped with a dozen plastic surgical procedures; society produces these people.  We live in a country that says (1) the most important thing in life is money, and (2) if you generate money for us (producers, agents, corporations, etc.) we will reward you with more money.  This is America, cholos and cholas.  It's all about the American dollar.  We outsource homeless shelters, prisons, schools: all to save money, a piece of paper invented by human beings.  Nothing else matters.  (Yes, I realize I went off on a tangent here, oh so sorry).

"This ass is all mine, guys.  I paid for it."

"Being rich is sooooo hard.  Do I look thoughtful, because that's the look I'm going for?"

"OMG, what's the paparazzi doing here?!"

Kris Humphries Throws Bachelor PARTAY in Vegas

...and, not to be outdone, fiance Kim Kardashian threw her own shindig as well.  I am beginning to think my hunch (that Kris Humphries is doing the dirty deed - that is, marrying Kim Kardashian in order to rocket himself to reality stardom) is true because I am already finding myself more interested in him that I am in her.  Obviously, it goes without saying that Kim is still a bigger famewhore since she crashed her own fiance's bachelor party, which is a really lame thing to do.  I still have my doubts that these two will actually make it to the altar, but we'll see what happens.  (via itsikespace)

"Awesome.  Someone is stabbing me in my nose on the cake.  That's... awesome..."

"I'm so sexy with stubble.  I'm... too sexy for my shirt.  Too sexy for my shirt..."

"You're spending the night, right, Scott?"

"What do you mean I wasn't invited to my fiance's bachelor party?  I'm Kim Fucking Kardashian, motha fucka!"

"Must... must get... must get to mouth wash.  Do not... do not want super-deadly Kim Kardashian mono!"

"Did you slip a truth serum into my drink?  Didn't you know I am immune to all poisons and potions?"

"Yeah, Kris didn't invite me either, but do I look like I care?"

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries To Get Married On August 20th

Several news sites are reporting that celebri-tard Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries have set a date for their nuptials: August 20th.  According to TerezOwens.com, the wedding will take place in Los Angeles and, naturally, there will be camera crews present as E! is planning on airing this as part of their "Signs of the Apocalypse" series of specials.  Not really, but the day that Kim Kardashian becomes the most famous person on Earth had to be mentioned in Revelations, right?  Right after demons rise up from below the Earth and unleash the four winds?  At least I remember reading about the Kardashians in the version of the Bible that I grew up with, the Lil' Kim Edition.

"If we split up, I'm keeping the fucking dog!"

The Kim Kardashian - Kris Humphries Nuptials To Cost $20 Million

Take that starving children of Asia, Africa (and America)!  While you are dressed in rags scouring the dirty alleys of Nairobi looking for the remains of a half-eaten Three Musketeers bar or a slow rat that might allow you to skin and eat him, the Kardashian clan is planning a fete large enough to make every pale member of the House of Windsor exclaim "Oh snap!"  I'm beginning to understand why everyone hates America.  I have no problem with Kris Humphries because he actually has a talent and has worked hard to gain his spot on the New Jersey Nets, but what has Kim Kardashian done to deserve a $20 million wedding?  Her only skill is the ability to consistently deny (with a fervor worthy of the Fremen) the accusations that her ass is fake.  Frankly, when the revolution (which will not be televised) finally comes to America after our unemployment rate tops 20%, I hope the first thing people do is search out Kim Kardashian, roast her hind quarters on an open spit, and eat it (silicone, collagen, and all).  That's a little harsh, but when you live in a country where people with Ph.Ds can't even find a job (or end up working at Starbucks) but fucking Kim Kardashian is able to afford a $20 million wedding, it really makes you wonder.  Anyway, I announced a few weeks ago that the Kardashians were planning on televising Kim's wedding (probably with Ryan Seacrest's production company), so it appears that whichever network picks the program up (probably E!) will fit some of the bill for this unholy union of an octoroon giant and an Armenian hobbit with several liters of silicone in various parts of her body.  That was wrong.  Again, I actually think Kris Humphries is alright.  He reminds me of a friend of mine.  Anyways, according to Terezowens.com, Kim and Kris have arranged for wedding gifts to be registered with Gearys of Beverly Hills, where the invited can pay over $7000 for Baccarat candy jars or $10,000 for ebony-skinned slaves imported overnight from South Sudan.  Alright, I made that last bit up, but you get the idea.

Kim K and Vera Wang shopping for dresses in NY last week.  Bauer Griffin

Megan Fox Got Kicked Out Of Transformers But She Can Make Her Forehead Talk

This is actually Megan Fox, not some plastic surgery addicted girl in Hong Kong posting pics to 4chan.

Megan Fox posted some pics to her Facebook page yesterday as proof to all of her followers that she has not had Botox.  Obviously, you cannot make your forehead whisper sweet nothings as demonstrated below if you've had Botox.  Why anyone would care about this is beyond me.  Frankly, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly Kim Kardashian is injecting into her ass since it's not silicone.  So, even if Megan Fox is not injecting Botox to make her face as smooth as a baby's bottom, there is still a whole lot of other mess going on up there.  Her eyebrows look like she's taking beauty lessons from Cruella DeVil, her lips look like she just got bitch slapped by Ike, and her eyes look like she's out of whatever it is Brian Austin Green is giving her to calm her down.  I'm just sayin'.  Megan, you totally peaked in the first Transformers, so whatever it is you are doing to your face, stop now!

"I wouldn't be able to do this if I was on Botox.  Cocaine, yes.  Botox, no."

"Me so sowwwy.  Me bad secretary.  Me promise bring whip next time.  Me promise let you lip starrrkings."

"You did WHAT to my blow-up doll?"

X-ray Proves That Kim Kardashian's Ass is Real

"Look, assholes.  My ass is real, kay?"

If you have watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians or Khloe and Lamar or any one of the attempts by the Kardashian family to prove that they are not media parasites, but important cultural figures in America, then you probably know that Kim Kardashian is adamant that we all know that her ass is real.  Kim has been the subject of claims that her backside was surgically enhanced since she first catapulted to fame in 2007 when her sex tape with rapper Ray J was released.  It is hard to believe that this occurred only four years ago - if I had to guess, I would have said the sex tape fiasco happened ten years ago - but Kim has denied the rumors ever since.  Now she has "proof".  I'm not sure why Kim is unveiling the evidence now, with her wedding to Kris Humphries looming on the horizon, but I'm sure it's all part of a diabolical scheme sprung from the mind of Kris Jenner.  Kim's sister Khloe posted this picture of an alleged x-ray of Kim's ass to her blog.  The x-ray reveals the absence of any foreign objects (like bags of silicone) in Kim's ass, but an x-ray would not be able to prove that Kim has not had fat injections in her ass.  Injections of fat from one part of Kim's body to another would resemble the fat already present in Kim's ass and thus not be distinguishable on an x-ray.  In fact, it is not uncommon for women in Hollywood to get liposuction of their midsection (or other problem areas of their body) and have the fat re-injected into their ass.  The infamous plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag (who underwent ten procedures in one day in 2010) has undergone this procedure to plump what she perceived was a flat ass.  If we were to take an x-ray of Heidi's ass, we would not be able to tell that she has had anything done, even though we know that she has.  So, sorry, Kim and Khloe.  The x-ray proves nothing! (via dlisted)

Kim with her stylist in New York last night.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries To Broadcast Wedding On Television

The word on the street is Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are in negotiations with Ryan Seacrest's production company (which works with most of the Kardashian-related television shows) to air their wedding on television.  Presumably this manufactured wedding would be broadcast on E!.  We might even get to see the birth of Kim's perfect children on E! as well.  Is it wrong that I actually want to see this wedding, if for nothing else to see how (or if) Kim's dress is able to minimize her two time zone ass?

Can we see the wedding NIGHT on TV, too?

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Get Lessons From Dancing With the Stars' Mark Ballas

Kim was looking bangin' in Los Angeles yesterday afternoon after she emerged from a dance studio with fiance Kris Humphries after the pair received dance lessons from Dancing with the Stars alum Mark Ballas.  Allegedly, Kris and Kim were learning how to waltz for their upcoming wedding and Ballas was there to help.

Splash News

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Hit The Stores In Beverly Hills

With wedding bells on the horizon, it was only natural that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries would go shopping for ties and jewelry and such... and tip the paparazzi where precisely they were going.  Just another day in LA - LA land.

Against all better judgment, I'm beginning to warm up to this pair

Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney's Kardashian Kard Suit Dismissed

A judge in Fresno, California dismissed yesterday the lawsuit brought by Revenue Resource Group, Inc. against the Kardashian sisters after they backed out of support for a prepaid Mastercard in January.  The Kardashian Kard was part of a trend of celebrities endorsing prepaid credit cards that make money by charging the holders of the card (often people with bad credit or young people with no credit) exorbitant fees.  After a judge in Connecticut delivered a scathing assessment of the card in court, the Kardashians withdrew their support, resulting in the $75 million lawsuit brought by the Revenue Resource Group.  Yesterday, Superior Court Judge Jeff Hamilton threw out the suit and ordered the plaintiffs to pay for the Kardashians' legal fees.  Frankly, the Kardashians were smart to get out of this as quickly as they did.  Their endorsement in the first place may have represented poor advice from Mom Kris Jenner.  (via WENN.com)

The "Kardashian Kard" was probably the worse idea from the Kardashian Kamp in the last year.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Work Up A Sweat

Kim and fiance Kris Humphries got all sweaty at a gym in Los Angeles today, as news that Kim plans on suing New England Patriots' Bret Lockett for defamation.  Last week, Lockett claimed that he has "concrete proof" that he and Kim were intimate while Kim was involved with future hubby Kris Humphries of the New Jersey Nets.  Lockett claims that Kim sent him intimate texts and pictures via her phone, but Kim continues to assert that she has never met the NFL player.  Lockett seems to have a bit of a problem keeping his story straight.  According to the Daily Mail, Lockett stated to Showbiz Tonight that he met Kim at a party through one of her friends, model and actress Lauren London, but then later goes on to say that he never actually met Kim and that the "physical aspect" of their relationship involved intimate texts sent from her phone to his.  While Lockett gets his story together, Kim has taken matters into her own hands as her lawyers are hard at work supposedly drafting a defamation lawsuit.  As Lockett is an undrafted free agent, I doubt that Kim will be getting much from him.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Have A Night At The Roxbury

This is actually the club in L.A., not one of the other Roxburys (in New York, for example).  If you are guessing that this was just another opportunity for Kim and Kris to get their faces in the papers, than, naturally, you are right, but that's just business as usual for the American celebrity.  Kim is looking more sedate now that Kris is about to make her an honest woman, though she certainly is not shying away from showing off that 20.5 carat, 20 million USD engagement ring.  Can you blame her?

Now this is what a night at the Roxbury is supposed to look like...

Bret Lockett, The Man Alleged To Be Getting Jiggy With Kim Kardashian, Is A Reggie Bush Clone

The pictures show it all.  On film, Bret Lockett does not necessarily inspire one to think "Reggie Bush!" but the pictures tell an entirely different story.  A recent Krave FIT magazine photo spread featuring New England Patriot Bret Lockett hearkens back to a Reggie Bush photo spread in GQ from a few years back.  Who is Bret Lockett?  The San Dimas, California native played college ball at UCLA before signing with the New England Patriots as an undrafted free agent in 2009.  He is 24-years old, 6'1 and 211 lbs. (according to recent stats).  One wonders if this "story" was leaked solely to get his modeling career going.

Bret Lockett is giving Reggie Bush a run for his money (in more ways than one)

Kim Kardashian Sues Over Cheating Rumors With Patriots' Bret Lockett

And the Kim Kardashian news is back!  It has been revealed today that future Mrs. Kris Humphries (AKA Kim Kardashian AKA The Lady With the Beautiful Armenian Badonk-a-donk) is suing In Touch Weekly over a news story they ran alleging that she cheated on fiance Kris Humphries with New England Patriots safety Bret Lockett.  Kim resorted to twitter to defend herself (as everyone does these days) and claims that she has never dated (in fact, has never even met) the swift-footed NFL star.  Honestly, I wouldn't put it above Kim's camp to start this rumor themselves, to build interest in her future wedding, but if she actually goes through with this lawsuit that might put that suspicion to rest.  In any event, even if this story isn't true, I sincerely hope that Mr. Humphries realizes the caliber of woman he's dealing with.  When dealing with gals that have been around the block as many times as Kim, a man has to be careful!

Kim's tweet is "setting the record straight"

Brett Lockett is on the right

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Sign Pre-Nuptual Agreement

Is it any wonder?  No.  For one thing, Kim is worth more than Kris, as she brought in over $9 million USD last year, while Kris brought in $3.2 as a forward for the New Jersey Nets.  Kim also has her stores and (according to TMZ) Kris's family owns several restaurants in Minnesota.  The main reason why this is not surprising is because Kim is only in this relationship to get Kris's sperm and Kris is just trying to get his face in the paper.  Once these ends are achieved, they will no longer have any use for another.  Yes, that's crude, but it's called keepin' it real.

Kim could have made it easy for herself if she simply instructed Kris to make a deposit at the sperm bank.

Ponies and Pumpkin Carriages: What Else Could It Be But Kim Kardashian's Engagement Party?

You probably already knew this, but Kim works fast.  She's fast and easy.  Only a week after her engagement to New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries was announced, Kim has already had an engagement party thrown in Beverly Hills.  The theme appears to have been "Disney Princess", because the party featured a cake with Cinderella's castle and carriage on the surface, and there were also ponies in attendance.  Every Armenian princess needs dreamy-eyed ponies at her engagement party.    Of course, Kim continues to show off her $2 million USD 20.5 carat blood diamond engagement ring.  Honestly, I doubt that Kim or Kris were "with it" enough to make sure that they did not purchase a conflict diamond, but a man can hope.  The reality is, if you are young and beautiful in L.A., why should you give two you-no-whats about people getting their limbs chopped off in a foreign country so that you can have a ginormous blood diamond on your ring finger?

Kris Humphries And His Ambiguous Ethnicity Keep The Fans Guessing

This pic of Kris Humphries became famous when Kim tweeted it to her followers a few months back

If Kris Humphries's goal in pairing up with Kim Kardashian was getting his name out there and catapulting himself into the same reality stardom that future wife Kim is queen of, then he has succeeded.  Kris Humphries is quickly becoming one of the most searched names on search engines in the United States (which I can verify as a blogger), and people still seem to be confused about his ethnicity.  Racially, Kris approximates what would have been considered a "quadroon" about one hundred and fifty years ago.  He has a father that is part Black and part White, and a mother that is fully White.  Looking back at childhood photos, Kris clearly has blue eyes (not uncommon in quadroons or octoroons like MMA fighter Josh Koscheck, for example) that are sort of a gray-blue now, in the right light.  Kim tweeted a few months ago that she wants kids that have the biracial look that Kris has (and obviously with names that all begin with the letter 'K').  That in itself is not surprising.  I distinctly recall watching a Discovery Channel special about 8-10 years ago in which the British narrator argued that the ideal human has regular features, tanned/brown skin, and large, expressive/dilated eyes.  This "ideal type" was clearly an amalgamation of several "races" and it's interesting to see that this sort of look, which was not always considered attractive, is being pushed to the forefront.  It is difficult to say what the female equivalent of Kris Humphries would be: perhaps a Jessica Alba.  In any event, lets take a look at Kris Humphries's GQ photo shoot from the latest issue of GQ.

GQ Magazine

Kim Kardashian To Become Kim Humphries When She Marries Fiance Kris

Somehow this surprises me, but nothing that happens in the good ole US of A should surprise us anymore.  If someone like Kim Kardashian can make 9 million dollars last year based on a career that started with a sex tape then anything, my friends, is possible.  Anyways, Kim's friends in LA are spreading the story (according to the sterling site, dlisted) that Kim will become Kim Humphries when she marries New Jersey Net Kris Humphries in a couple months time.  I guess Kris still doesn't have the cajones to back out of this thing while he still can.  There's still time, Kris!  There's still time!

Get away while you still can, Kris!