Nicole Kidman Is Australian Barbie

...in a pair of 50s era stripper heels.  Seriously, this has to be the best Nicole Kidman has ever looked (other than the scene in Far and Away where she returns to her castle with tussled red curls falling from her brow after an hour of vigorous horse riding, which I can only assume was a substitute for masturbation among 1890s aristocratic ladies.  Yes, I have seen that film many, many times, mostly so I can mock Tom Cruise's paltry attempt at an Irish accent).  Somehow, the makeup artists on the set of The Paperboy managed to cake Nicole's entire body in enough orange makeup to cover up her obvious sun damage, giving her the appearance of a randy, bow-legged Barbie.  She even has hair extensions to boot, which only means that there are now dozens of bald little girls running through the streets of Dhaka, Bangalore, and Mumbai (their hair would have to be dyed blond, of course).  Let's hope Nicole has all the necessary parts beneath those shorty shorts.  The girl looks good, but it appears that she's having a hard time walking in the two-sizes-too-large heels.  Let's hope Nicole does not fall and break a hip because you know at her age one has to worry about osteoporosis.  (via dlisted)

"I'm still recovering from my last batch of plastic surgeries.  My publicist says my fans want me to look more human.  How the f*ck do I do that?!"

Human Barbie Gives 7-Year-Old Daughter Breast Implant Voucher For Birthday

Sarah Burge and daughter Poppy.  The bodies of the children that were not quite perfect enough are stuffed into the closets in back.

What do you give the 7-year-old that has everything?  You give the gift of insecurity, of course!  The gift that keeps on giving.  Fifty-year-old Sarah Burge told Closer magazine that she gave her daughter, Poppy, a "voucher" for breast implants when the child turns sixteen, among other gifts (including a spa vacation, according to dlisted).  Ms. Burge herself has made it known that she's spent over $100,000 to resemble a Barbie doll, and she apparently makes her living throwing swingers parties and writing erotic fiction.  There's nothing wrong with writing erotica, but it would be rather egregious if the stories in question all involve Ken and Barbie, creations sans genitalia.  Thankfully, Ms. Burge is not American; she lives in Cambridgeshire, England, and Poppy, supposedly, is already the envy of all of her friends in their home town.  No surprise there.  This scenario is reminiscent of the mother of the cool high schooler in Mean Girls, who allowed her daughter to drink and have sex at the house just so she could be the cool MILF in her daughter's clique.   It goes without saying that entrusting the care of a child to a woman as vain as this virtually ensures that Poppy will grow up to be a looks-obsessed young woman along the lines of a Heidi Montag, but as the actions of Ms. Burge are not against the law, there's little that can be done.  Should the story of Sarah Burge and Poppy be interpreted as the malign influence of American culture on the world?  Can we blame America for cultural activities occurring in the United Kingdom?  Is there anything wrong with promising a 7-year-old two bouncy bags of silicone strapped to her chest when she turns sixteen?  Does censuring Ms. Burge prevent Poppy from being exposed to the constant sexualization of young women in the media?  You be the judge!  (via dlisted)

Poppy seems really excited about filling out that red bra one day

The Mad Men Barbie and Ken Dolls

Mad Men is one of those shows that manages to be popular while still being somewhat cerebral, which Hollywood, the New York movers and shakers, and most people in a position of power think should be impossible because they are all cynical to the degree that they think Americans are extremely stupid Twilight readers.  Rant aside, I came across these Mad Men character dolls and, given that this blog is about reality television, robots, and human automatons, I thought the product deserved a nod.  The faces and hairstyles look personalized enough to give the pieces value as collectibles.  (via Incredible Things)

Barbie debuted in 1959 and Mad Men began in 1960.  That's some good timing.

Happy 50th Birthday Ken

It appears that the Ken doll has turned 50, at least in human years (in doll years, he's still twenty-something) and to commemorate the event, Racked National has done a style retrospective of Ken through the years.  More like a lack of style retrospective.  Look at the picture below: he's wearing a purple floral shirt and Hammer pants (as in MC Hammer)!  Very appopriate for 1992, but... oh god!

Congrats on 50 years of emasculation, Ken.  Apparently this doll is called "Totally Hair Ken" (I wonder why) and its from 1992.