Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 10: A Few Fries Short Of A Happy Meal

"These are the only facial expressions our plastic surgeons allow us to make."

Last night's episode of Basketball Wives was easily the most bipolar in the show's history, if not in reality television history.  The finale jumped from a mash-up of some of the highlights of previous episodes (with quite a lot of Suzie acting like she's still on the short bus on her way to school), to a huge fight between Evelyn and Chad, and Jennifer's soon-to-be ex Eric Williams talking about he's the real "Basketball Wife" (which didn't really make any sense, and that Jennifer Williams is only relevant because of him (which is entirely true).  By the way Jen, Eric wants his name back.  We didn't see too much of Royce and Tami in this episode, but we did get to see a snippet in which Royce made the comment that Jen was "a few fries short of a Happy Meal" which I swear I have to integrate into my vocabulary from now on.  Of course, the major event of the episode was the much-anticipated Divorce Party for Jennifer Williams.  Jen got the cake she wanted, which consisted of Jen carrying the head of a decapitated Eric.  Do I need to say that I am sad that the season is over (because I am)?  With every ending comes a new beginning and it will be interesting to see which characters come back next season (I am guessing that Meeka, and possibly Royce will not be among them).  It does not pay to be on Shaunie O'Neal's bad side Royce, since she pulls the purse strings.  See you at the reunion special!

"If this bitch goes near my blue contacts...."

Basketball Wives Episode 9 Recap: Bringing The Heat Back To Miami

It's hard to believe that this season of Basketball Wives is almost over but, not to worry, these hoes are like baseball, they play two seasons a year.  We never see the stuff we really want to see: the girls dishing about how their menstrual cycles are back in sync again as they get their weaves tightened, or how they get their earlobes enlarged so they can wear ridiculously garish earrings, but we see enough to feel (as the viewer) that the ladies are keeping it real.  Most of this week's episode (do you even want to know the details?) revolved around Jennifer Williams, future ex-wife of former Boston Celtics forward Eric Williams.  Jennifer only narrowly recovered from her fall-out with Evelyn (fake tears and all), and now she has to deal with her husband back in the picture causing drama.  Jennifer decides to dig up the drama with Royce, who has been tweeting/twatting/twittering/texting with Eric (and meeting with him on the DL) and Jennifer is "very much unhappy about that" (That's a line from 80s classic Video "Meeting in the Lady's Room", obviously).  Naturally, Jennifer sees this as a perfectly legit reason to start sh*t with Royce, because ignoring it and moving on with your newly single life (and all the joy that comes with that) is a complete impossibility.  No one seems to mind that Suzie is actually the one behind most of the gossip getting back to the person being talked about since Suzie is now on the good side of the "Mean Girls" (Evelyn, Jen, Shaunie).  Let's hope they stretch this season out to 12-14 episodes because I needs my Basketball Wives fix, just like I know you do.

"Why are you following my soon-to-be ex on Twitter?!"

Hocchie Legal Scoop: Meeka Suing Tami From Basketball Wives

Ouch Town, population YOU, girlfriend

Like everyone else, I just assumed that there was a clause in any reality television show contract that says: "I will allow myself to get snuffed on National Television in order for the reality show of which I am a cast member to make money off of my broke, shameless ass."  ...but apparently that is not the case because Meeka Claxton (wife of retired NBA player Speedy Claxton) of Basketball Wives has sued basketball ex-wife (and former Real World: Los Angeles) cast member Tami Roman for assault.  According to TMZ, Meeka alleges Tami: "assaulted, battered, beat, threatened, menaced, attacked, jumped on, pushed to the ground, thrashed, punched, and shoved” her, which we know is true because there is public record of it as it was aired for all to see on National Television.  According to Crunk and Disorderly, Meeka is suing Tami for $12,500, which is the cost of a used Hermes birkin bag, and a complete joke.  Obviously, Meeka just wants publicity OR she wants Tami to have an assault charge on her record, which Tami deserves since she has basically been the center of 90% of the fights on this show (and that is not an overstatement).  Considering all of the plastic surgery that these women have had, the nature of this form of open-fisted punch renders it ridiculously dangerous.  It is completely possible that Tami could have shoved Meeka's nasal prosthesis up into her brain and killed the ho, which would have gotten Tami's behind thrown into a Federal penitentiary permanently.  In spite of the danger, this is possibly the awesomest reality show gif I have ever seen, so here it is for all of you to enjoy!  I especially appreciate how Suzie (the "Chinese" girl in the middle), looks like she's taking a nap and then wakes up.  (via Crunk and Disorderly, via dlisted)

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 8 Recap: Still In Rome

The ladies of Basketball Wives (and I use the term "ladies" loosely) are still in Rome and still talking about the Miami beef that was brought up in last week's episode.  At the end of the last episode, things between Evelyn and Jen were still unresolved (after Evelyn learned that Jen called Chad a "mediawhore"), but in this week's episode Evelyn and Jen patch things up.  But, of course, when one situation is resolved, another pops up and so the girls jump back into the Meeka-Tami drama with the lack of anything better to do.  What is remarkable with this episode (as opposed to the other episodes) is just how petty the arguments are.  Someone says "Are you on the real side or the fake and phony side?" and, all of the sudden, everyone and their mother is pissed off.  "Oh, so I'm phony now?"  "I didn't say that!"  That's basically how this show is boiling down.  I wouldn't say that Basketball Wives is staged (the way The Hills was), but the women definitely know that they should get as angry and loud as possible, so that the executive producer, Shaunie O'Neal, will bring them back for the next season.  The funniest part of the episode was when Meeka confronted Suzie about how she went back and told Tami the gossip that Meeka told her and Suzie's response was: "Well, you shouldn't have told me!"  We all know that Suzie can't keep anything to herself.  DO NOT give Suzie your locker combination.  I'm just sayin'.

Meeka gets booted out of Rome and writes her farewell letter.

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 7 Recap: When In Rome... Talk About the Sh*t That Happened Back In Miami

I hate them, but I love them.  The ladies of Basketball Wives decided not to leave all the drama behind in Miami, but to take it with them on a sudden, impromptu trip to Rome.  That means that they spent most of the time arguing about things that happened back home about a week ago.  The drama first gets going when the women decide to gang up on Meeka and... honestly... I don't even know what exactly they were mad about.  Is she trying to get too close, too soon?  Then they switched gears and ganged up on Suzie, since some gossip got back to Tami, and the girls think that it must have come from something that Suzie told Royce.  Confused yet?  When that drama fizzled out - when Suzie read aloud the texts she sent to Royce (and received from her) - Evelyn decided to start a fight with Jen because of something that Jen said on a radio show.  Jen called Chad Ochocinco a "mediawhore" and Evelyn flipped her sh*t, claiming that she and Jen's friendship will never be the same again.  For speaking the truth?  A BFF should keep it real.  Evelyn's "friend that heard the radio show" (AKA show producer Shaunie) sent the tape of the show to Evelyn and well, she launched in to Jen as only a chick from the Bronx can do.

"Do these stripes make my boobs look bigger because.... um, like, that's the point of the... um... stripes."

Heidi Montag, Star of Famous Food, Can Make These Nine Facial Expressions

So, I finally got around to watching Famous Food (which is going head to head with Saddle Ranch as the worst reality show on television) on VH1 and I was bored so I decided to catalog the facial expressions that Heidi Montag is able to make (considering her numerous surgical procedures).  This is sort of an ode to Megan Fox's now infamous tweet of the things she can do since she hasn't had Botox.  Well, these are the things that Heidi's face can do, so hold on to your seats:

Heidi hasn't had the chance to be "sad" on the show yet, but this is a flashback to Heidi's appearance on The Hills after she had ten surgical procedures in one day, and I guess I would call this "soul-crushing sadness"!

Jennifer Williams of Basketball Wives Shows Off New Piece Ken

Jen is way too hot for this very Long Island-esque dude "Ken", but whatevs.  To each her own.  Necole seems to approve.  Alright, I promise this is my last post of the day.

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 6 Recap: Divorce Party, Yay!!!

Since I'm too lazy to type a post about how much I hate Dr. Drew, let's catch up and see what the "ladies" of Basketball Wives are up to.  Honestly, it's more of the same with these wenches.  After a trip to NYC, the crew is back in Miami to do more... um... sitting around.... having drinks... gossiping about who's a bum and who's broke... and who looks messed up.  You know, the usual.  Then, the girls get together to meet Royce's new man and they all agree that he's shady and looks like a pimp.  Suzie goes so far as to say that he spent the whole time staring at Royce's vagina, which is possibly the funniest thing Suzie has ever said on this entire series.  Meanwhile, Jennifer has decided to begin planning her divorce party even though she's not even divorced yet, which Evelyn is apt to point out.  In spite of her doubts, Evelyn and Jen decide to go to the "Pleasure Emporium" to get sex-themed what-nots for the "goodie bags" that will be given out at the divorce party.  One thing I'm noticing about this season is that we're seeing much less of Shaunie O'Neal than we've seen in previous seasons.  After the reunion special where Shaunie found her reputation blemished and herself personally thrown into the mud along with all of the rest of these hoes, it looks like Shaunie is trying to be the Mom of the group and stay out of the drama.  This leads to a less exciting show, but Shaunie is the least interesting girl in the group so that's no big loss.

"Oh my God!  Let's throw a divorce party with penis candy and Latino strippers and get white boy wasted!"

Mob Wives Season 1 Reunion: The Island That Never Sleeps

If you thought the drama in Staten Island was swimming with the fishes, think again.  Karen, Renee, Drita, and Carla sat down with Wendy Williams to rehash all of the dirt from the first season of Mob Wives.  They watched clips of the best fights from the season and discussed some of the unresolved issues.  Renee stormed off set when Carla claimed that Renee made up the story that her ex-boyfriend grabbed her butt (and other areas).  Drita cried when the scene of her learning about her husband's other woman was shown, and then things got heated when the subject turned to Drita and Karen and their relationship.  Later, more footage of the season-ending fight between Karen and Drita was shown.  I have to be honest, for most of the season I was pretty sure that the show was as staged as an episode of WWE's Monday Night Raw, but now I'm not so sure.  Unlike some of the other reality show reunion specials I have seen, the emotions brought to the surface on the Mob Wives Reunion were undeniably real.  There were tears, there was storming away...  This is not The Hills, people.  You cannot stage this stuff.  You cannot script it.  Mob Wives is real.  Will the show come back for another season?  I am pretty sure that it will and you can bet your bottom dollar that my eyes will be glued to the TV watching these Hoes get down to business on Staten Island.

A calm moment during the Mob Wives Reunion Special

Mob Wives Season Finale Recap: These Hoes Just Can't Say "No"

The inevitable showdown between Karen and Drita occurred this week on Mob Wives.  As we all know (at least those of us that don't have lives and/or are unemployed and have nothing better to do than watch VH1 reality shows and Teen Wolf), Drita and Karen have beef because Drita ended up marrying Karen's boyfriend of seven years, Lee D'Avanzo.  Now that Lee is incarcerated for felony bank robbery, Drita and Karen have all of the time in the world to go back and forth about whether or not Drita was wrong to hook up with Lee.  As much as Karen acts like she is passed it, she still sees this union as a betrayal.  If that isn't enough drama for ya, Drita finds out this week that Lee cheated on her two years ago with a woman that works at the hair salon she goes to.  So, going into this final showdown, Drita is not only dealing with her lingering emotions with Karen, but now she has a whole tank of gasoline thrown unto the fire representing her new rift with Lee.  It's a rumble in Staten Island. Want to know what happens?  Head over to VH1.com (and no, they aren't paying me, I'm just too lazy to go into detail).

For once, Renee was not the center of drama

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 5 Recap: Evelyn Has A Soul

It's more of the same on Basketball Wives.  Meeka is officially on the "outs" with most of the other girls on the show, with Tami going as far as to say that she is willing to get along with anyone except Meeka.  Meanwhile, Evelyn and most of the other girls are in NYC with various loose ends to tie up.  Evelyn is trying to convince her daughter Shauniece to attend college in Manhattan, instead of California.  While in the city, Evelyn heads up to the Bronx where we meet Evelyn's Mom, sister, and father.  Clearly, this is an attempt by the producers to rehabilitate Evelyn's image somewhat in the eyes of the viewing public.  Evelyn has a tearful reunion with her family.  Basically, it was a family episode.  We got to see Tami's drama with her daughters as they attempt to break into the music industry.  The highlight of the episode was the drama over Jennifer being set up on a blind double date by Meeka and her husband, Speedy.  The drama never ends for the Wives of Basketball.

Evelyn does not want to meet her father, but it's too late.

Heidi Montag Behind The Bar On Famous Food

Yes, Heidi Montag has found a way to keep her surgically-enhanced face and body in the news.  Heidi, along with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, are the stars of a new reality show called Famous Food, in which the three are roped into working in a restaurant and bar.  Heidi is growing into her face and is looking less and less like Joan Rivers.  Good on ya, Heidi.

Tags: Famous Food, Reality TV Shows, Reality TV Shows 6

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 4 Recap: "You're Relevant Cuz I'm Talkin' To You, Boo!"

Basketball Wives is hands down the best reality show on television, and it's appeal lay in the bevy of stunning women, rich men, and all the drama that ensues when you combine the two.  Last week's episode featured a clash of the titans: little Royce went toe-to-toe with Evelyn after the future Mrs. Chad Ochocinco called her a "bum", with Royce firing back calling her a "slut".  There was an exchange about Royce... erm... being able to count how many members she's... um... had in her mouth... while Evelyn can't.  You get the idea.  Thankfully, there were two burly security guards lumbering around capable of pulling these bobcats apart.  In the aftermath of the brawl, Suzie is rather happy (though she's not forthcoming about it) that Royce is now on the "outs" in the group and she's "in".  Suzie, now friends with Evelyn again, admits to Jen that Eric has contacted her about a "business opportunity", but both women suspect that Eric is just trying to get back at Jen.  Meanwhile, Suzie gets all the women together for a polo event: the perfect opportunity for another clash of the estrogen cycles.  Now it's new girl Meeka's turn to experience what it's like to roll with these women.  She gets a baptism by fire when Tami, the sh*tstarter of the group, accuses her of "trying too hard" to ingratiate herself with the other girls, going on to say that she's only "relevant", because Tami is talking to her.  Clearly, Tami has some residual anger from the whole "You're a non-F'n Factor" situation.  Can't wait for next week's episode!

Eric Williams, Jennifer's ex, wants Suzie to play a nude, Asian chick out for revenge in a film he's producing

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 3 Recap: Evelyn Wants To Be Octomom

It has to be nice hanging out all day on the beach drinking Mojitos with no job to do.  The ladies of Basketball Wives have plenty of time to talk about each other and stir up drama for no apparent reason.  It so happens, however, that the drama on this week's episode is a continuation of last week's.  Meeka, the new girl, is trying to figure out how something she said about Royce got back to Tami, especially since Meeka does not recall saying that she did not like Royce.  While Meeka goes around investigating who said what, Suzie is back to stirring the pot again (in her well-intentioned way) and suggests that all the girls (namely Royce, Evelyn, and Jennifer) get together to air out their differences.  Yeah... that was not a good idea and this get together did not go down well.  Meanwhile, Evelyn decides that she wants to have twin boys called Pepe and Esteban with Chad Ochocinco and so she goes to visit an In Vitro specialist in Miami, Dr. Hernandez-Rey, who tells her that he can create "embryos" and separate out the chromosomes to make sure that Evelyn has twin boys, but she may end up with quadruplet boys.  I have never heard of this type of procedure before and it comes across as pretty hokey.  Sounds like some Bene Gesserit business.  I'm just sayin'.  On a side note, Chad Ochocinco is shockingly mature when he tells Evelyn that she cannot jet set around the world and go shopping everyday if she has twins named Pepe and Esteban.  So, right, Chad.  So, right.

The calm before the storm

Audrina Episode 9 Recap: Corey Loses It

In spite of appearances, Audrina's life is not all Barbie dollhouses, coloring books, and Junior Scrabble.  Actress and model Audrina Patridge has problems of her own.  She has an active family squabble to deal with, as her sister Casey refuses to patch things up with their parents after the fight at a family dinner three episodes ago.  She has a huge Bongo poster of herself displayed prominently in Los Angeles to stress out over.  And now she has a boyfriend that's gone berserk.  Corey, supposedly, deleted Audrina's Facebook profile (I wish he would show me how to do that, since Facebook won't let me), stopped by her parents' house where he proceeded to cry profusely in his car, and even had time to kick down the door to Audrina's apartment.  He's basically an Australian Superman.  Things have gotten so bad that Audrina decides to enlist Dad for help.  Can Audrina and Corey survive this?  The answer is "Yes" (since we know that Corey and Audrina end up getting back together after this breakup).  Just another day in Audrina's life.

Yeah, Corey, stop acting like a sketchball.

Basketball Wives Season 3, Episode 2 Recap: The Drama Begins.. Again

I can't lie.  Basketball Wives is easily my favorite reality show because it has the right combination of over-the-top personalities, real drama, and gorgeous ladies.  You cannot make this stuff up.  In this week's episode, the tables begin to turn for new girl Meeka.  Meeka made it clear in the last episode that she did not like Royce (because Royce was an NBA cheerleader) and now word about this has gotten back to Royce's girl Tami.  Meeka denies that she had anything bad to say about Royce, but the ladies are already beginning to distrust her.  The big story in this episode, however, is the return of Suzie to the fold.  She simply walks right into Evelyn's shoe store Dulce and tries to patch things up.  Suzie is accepted back into the mix relatively quickly and, interestingly, both Royce and Evelyn warn Suzie not to trust the other.  It made for incredible television viewing.  Things are staying hot in Miami.

Evelyn tells Suzie a "knock-knock" joke.  JK

Mob Wives Episode 7 Recap: Same Old Story

The fight which began on last week's episode has spilled into this week's.  Renee still feels that she has the right to talk smack about Carla's boyfriend because he's not "good enough for her" and now Karen decides that since they are already fighting, why not bring up the fact that Drita stole her boyfriend Lee thirteen years ago?  Can I say that Drita has a good point when she asks:  "Is it, Karen, about friendship or is it that your man is not pounding you out so you have to remember how mine did?"  That pretty much sums up Mob Wives in one sentence.  I have no idea if the... ahem.... producers (writers).... on the show will bring it back to the issue of these women putting old mafia feuds behind them, or if the show will continue being a non-stop slug fest.  Clearly, the producers are playing the ratings game, but they lost me with this one.  This show is about as real as an impromptu meeting of all of the cast of The Hills at Heidi's House.  It's obvious now.

You cannot be a mob wife without insane cleavage.  Seriously, all of the women have it.

Audrina Episode 8 Recap: A Knuckle In Her Back

It's all par for the course with Audrina.  Going out with overly-possessive Corey does not stop her from flirting with the first guy with a pair of balls in her vicinity.  On last week's episode, Audrina received an invite to the exclusive Palm Beach Polo Club for a one-on-one polo lesson.  She takes up the invitation and travels to Palm Beach with her stylist Joey and her brother.  The three of them receive a lesson from a pair of handsome polo instructors, one of whom, naturally, is originally from Argentina.  To Audrina's surprise, the lesson involved the ladies riding the horses with their instructors immediately behind them, sitting on the same saddle.  They were not expecting to feel a "knuckle in their back" as they rode the horses, and I think you, dear reader, can figure out what that means.  From there, Audrina and her personal polo instructor, Nick, get closer and closer, but Audrina's boyfriend Corey continues to blow up her phone.  Clearly it's okay for Audrina to be playful with guys, but it's not alright for Corey to do the same.  Can Audrina and Corey's relationship survive Corey's insecurity and Audrina's vanity?  Just another day in the life of Audrina Patridge.

Those polo pants are awful tight

Introducing Single Ladies: VH1's Sex And The City For Black People

Stacey Dash and her friends are also surprised at how bad the show is

Alright, I actually thought this was supposed to be a reality show when I started watching and was pretty excited to see something with Stacey Dash.  The excitement was quickly followed by a five minute face palm as this disaster of a show unfolded.  I made it through the first fifteen minutes of Single Ladies and then I picked up "War and Peace" and started reading.  The problem with the show initially appears to be the acting, but in reality, it is the poor writing which is primarily to blame.  An actor cannot do much with a poor script; the dialogue is predictable and on a junior high school level.  To be fair, first episodes (like first chapters of a book) are difficult, because the writer has to introduce new characters and a new setting in a compelling manner, but for a show like this, a strong dialogue is key.  So watch Single Ladies if you would like to hear a bunch of hormonal women talk about dating a fine young thing, while keeping a "Chocolate Trump" on the side.  Yes, it's like that.  There's even a sassy gay friend.  Can't we bring back the Clueless-era Stacey Dash?

I miss "Dionne" and her crazy hats

Mob Wives Episode 6 Recap: These Women Are Ready To Explode

All of these women need to be put on mood stabilizers, because this show is getting ridiculous.  Frankly, a bunch of mob women acting crazy makes for good television, but I wouldn't be a good reality show viewer if I didn't get excited by the stupidity of the players involved.  This episode was pretty predictable.  Basically, Carla is still angry at Renee running her mouth about how she doesn't like her boyfriend, among other things.  In fact, the real problem is the conflict between Karen and Drita about Lee, whom Karen dated for seven years and Drita eventually married, but this all gets pushed to the side with Renee and Carla's drama.  Of course, the perfect setting to deal with all of this drama brewing is to throw an evening cocktail party where there are surprise guest enemies and lots of drinks involved.  Naturally, Carla and Renee get into a drunken fist fight.  Hilarity ensues.  Well, not really, but this was almost along the lines of a Jerry Springer/Maury Povich redneck royal rumble.  Good viewing all around!  I have to admit that I freaking love this show!

Drita arranges a sexy photoshoot for her incarcerated husband Lee