The 10 Reality Shows That Defined Reality Television

"GTL, baby!"

This is a post I am happy to write.  Sometimes writing posts for this blog is like pulling teeth (...or undergoing a sex change operation without anesthesia.  Well, maybe not that bad...), but when I get to look back at all the time I have wasted watching reality television, or science fiction movies, or writing awful poetry and prose... it actually makes me happy.  Let's face it, we live in the generation of reality television.  It's hard to believe that only 18 years ago (back in 1992) Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murphy created reality television as we know it with their iconic series The Real World.  We wouldn't have The Bachelor, The Apprentice, Brain-Damaged Beach Guidos and Guidettes.. I mean Jersey Shore, Big Brother, or any of that other stuff if it weren't for people with names like Heather B, Norman, and Rebecca who decided to live in a house together even though they were seven strangers picked to live in a house...  Because of them, we got to see Paula Abdul act stupid in front of millions of fans, Whitney Houston try desperately to conceal her drug addiction while cackling like a mad woman, Jessica Simpson confused by both buffalo wings AND tuna ("I don't get it.  Is it chicken or is it fish?  Why is it called 'Chicken of the Sea'?").  You get the idea.  It's hard to say if the influence of The Real World was beneficial for human civilization or malign, but all I know is that my life would not have been the same (sad, I know) if it were not for the following ten shows that defined American reality as we know it.


10. My Life On The D List:

"God damn eye doctors fucking with my eyes again!"

9. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila:

"But what if I already have herpes?  Then everything's fine, right?"

8. Newlyweds with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson:

"Nick, buffalos don't have wings!

7. The Ultimate Fighter:

"Um... I don't know how my hair ended up like this..."

6. The Hills:

"Why can't you just... support me!  You don't live in L.A., you live in the mountains!"

5. Jersey Shore:

Snooki creates her trademark "poof"

4. Being Bobby Brown:

"BOBBBAAAYYY!"

3. Flavor of Love with Flavor Flav:

Flav dissed Tiffany not once, but twice!

2. I Love New York:

Tiffany's revenge.  "Stop lookin' at my tits, Buddha!  I know you want some, but damn!"

1. The Real World:

Heather B in the house!

Heidi Montag, Star of Famous Food, Can Make These Nine Facial Expressions

So, I finally got around to watching Famous Food (which is going head to head with Saddle Ranch as the worst reality show on television) on VH1 and I was bored so I decided to catalog the facial expressions that Heidi Montag is able to make (considering her numerous surgical procedures).  This is sort of an ode to Megan Fox's now infamous tweet of the things she can do since she hasn't had Botox.  Well, these are the things that Heidi's face can do, so hold on to your seats:

Heidi hasn't had the chance to be "sad" on the show yet, but this is a flashback to Heidi's appearance on The Hills after she had ten surgical procedures in one day, and I guess I would call this "soul-crushing sadness"!

Megan Fox, What Have You Done To Your Face?

I've always been a supporter of Megan Fox, through all of the bad acting in the Transformers films (especially Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), through all the various transformations of her face, through all the multiple pictures of her with cameltoe (seriously, does Megan Fox ever NOT have cameltoe?), even through Megan being kicked out of the Transformers franchise for making some stupid remark about Jews and Steven Spielberg.  I even managed to find it within me to support her during all that (because she and Jessica Alba are easily the hottest women on the planet), but, Megan, seriously, what have you done to your face?  Only days after tweeting what her non-Botox-ex face looked like, as proof that she has not had Botox, Megan appeared in New York yesterday looking like a younger/slimmer Shannen Doherty on crack.  These photos do not even look like Megan Fox.  It's actually scary.  While I plan a full-blown "The Plastic Surgery of Megan Fox" post (because the list of things this girl has done to herself is growing faster than my third leg during the first half an hour of 300), let's just address the altered shape of her face.  Clearly, Megan is getting fillers of some kind and this is absolutely the wrong thing for someone her age.  It is one thing for late 40s/early 50s hoes like Heather Locklear or Hunter Tylo to get fat injections in the face to smooth out the areas that might wrinkle, but it is all wrong when someone in their 20s like Megan goes this route.  For one thing, the wrinkles will likely be worse if and when she decides to stop injecting her face (forcing her to continue to inject... forever).  And honestly, Megan is too pretty as it is to need any of this.  Her face has a rounder, healthier look now, but that sort of "I just survived a fifteen hour smoosh session with Brian Austin Green" wasted look kind of suited her. Now she really does look like a blow-up doll.  Why, Megan?  What have you done?

"At least you can't see my cameltoe this time, right?  I decided to have my labia shortened and the extra skin injected into my cheeks."

"Don't you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my leopard skin iPhone?"

"This is my happy face."

"Thank god I wore extra makeup today so no one can see the scar from my chin implant last month!"

This is the same comparison I used for the "Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery Addiction" feature.  Heather Locklear (like Carrot Top) has injected fillers into her face to give it a rounder, more youthful look.  But when the person this is done to already has youth (like Megan) the fillers actually can make you look  older.

Heidi Montag Behind The Bar On Famous Food

Yes, Heidi Montag has found a way to keep her surgically-enhanced face and body in the news.  Heidi, along with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, are the stars of a new reality show called Famous Food, in which the three are roped into working in a restaurant and bar.  Heidi is growing into her face and is looking less and less like Joan Rivers.  Good on ya, Heidi.

Tags: Famous Food, Reality TV Shows, Reality TV Shows 6

The Plastic Surgery of Johanna Tukiainen

Stand back folks, she might explode!

If you are American (or a resident of another English-speaking country), the first logical question you should be asking yourself is "Who the f*$k is Johanna Tukiainen?"  Well, you can probably tell by the name that she is Finnish (as she has that typical Finnish -nen ending to her surname) and it turns out that she is a celebrity in her native country of Finland, as sort of a Pamela Anderson type of character.  I came to know about her rather accidentally this week and decided that she would be a perfect topic of discussion for the plastic surgery addiction segment of this site.  As can be easily discerned from the before and after pictures, Ms. Tukiainen (whose sister is apparently a well-known porn star in Finland) has fallen prey to the typical barrage of plastic surgery procedures that is not only becoming common in even ordinary men and women today, but is practically ubiquitous when it comes to "celebrities" of the sort that Tukiainen belongs to, essentially women with no career other than being recognizable in pictures and TV to common people.

Johanna Tukiainen "Before"

Alright, so now that we know who she is, what procedures has she had done?  Inspecting the shape and contour of Tukiainen's face (partially obscured by all the weight that she has put on in the last five years or so), it seems apparent that this young woman has not only undergone the typical lip injections and rhinoplasty, but has significantly altered the shape of her face.  A casual observation suggests that Johanna Tukiainen has, at least, undergone: (1) silicone lip injections, (2) rhinoplasty, (3) cheek implants, (4) chin implant, (5) blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery), (6) breast implants.  She likely has also undergone botox and fat injections into the face, both of which are rather unnecessary in someone of her age (she's 33 years old).  Ms. Tukiainen is an extreme example of the trap that Heidi Montag and other relatively young women have fallen into.  Her face has been so heavily modified that she appears to be at least ten years older than her actual age.  This woman is only thirty-three years old and she looks like a Japanese fantasy blow-up doll.  I guess that's cool if you like that sort of thing.

Peek-a-Boo!

Spencer Pratt Beats O.J. Simpson and Octomom To Become Least Likable Celebrity

...according to a poll.  This is a shocker for me.  Voters actually ranked Spencer (house husband of Heidi Montag, both "stars" of The Hills) as less likable than O.J. Simpson, currently serving a prison sentence.  Wow, Spencer.  Just wow.  I suspect that this may have to do with many of those polled not knowing who Spencer is and those that did know rating him universally negatively, but still...  The survey was conducted by a market research agency.  (via MTV)

How could anyone not like a blond guy eating a taco?

The Plastic Surgery of Naya Rivera, Glee's Santana

The stunning Naya Rivera makes for a very interesting case study for plastic surgery in a young person (Naya is only 24 years old) and, in fact, one has to admit after perusing her "before" photos that it is very difficult to say definitively whether or not the young woman has had any work done.  It is a frequent topic of conversation among Glee fanatics, primarily because Naya has a very singular appearing face, which forms a stark contrast with, frankly, her rather ordinary appearing classmates on the show, even characters like Finn and Quinn, who are supposed to be the local stars at McKinley High School in Lima, OH.  Interestingly, the case for a "yes" in the plastic surgery question is more convincing if one watches video of Naya, because her face appears to move very little.  In pictures, the case is less convincing.  Take a glance at Naya's before picture below.

Naya Rivera in high school (approx. ten years ago)

Naya was a pretty girl of mixed parentage (Puerto Rican, African-American, and German) and the bone structure of the face is essentially the same in 2011.  In particular, Naya's nose (the most common object of surgical correction in men and women of all ages) looks similar now to the way that it appeared then.  When the nose does appear different, one has to consider Naya's heavy use of makeup and the slimming effects that makeup can have on the nose when applied correctly (Yes, I have been watching way too much RuPaul's Drag Race).  Other than the nose, areas of interest for Naya are the eyes, cheeks, and lips.  Naya's cheekbones seem higher and her cheeks overall fuller now than they did when she was a high schooler, suggesting cheek implants.  With the eyes, it is difficult to say, again because of the heavy use of makeup.  The lips, on the other hand, are pretty convincing for lip enhancement of some kind.  She naturally has full lips, as a person of color, but the shape of the lips at present has a plumped, unnatural aspect, suggesting lip injections.

I would argue that, at present, Naya is likely to have had the following three procedures: (1) cheek implants, (2) collagen, fat, or restylane lip injections, (3) breast augmentation.  Other possibilities include rhinoplasty and chin implant, but I am not convinced about either of those.  Because Naya is so young, the results of her likely surgeries are more obvious than they would be in someone in their thirties.  Other examples of young, surgerized young women include the likely characters of Heidi Montag and Lindsay Lohan.  In fact, Lindsay appears more obviously surgerized than Heidi, even though Heidi has clearly had more surgeries in the 10-20 range.  [Yes, I realize 'surgerized' is not in the dictionary, but it's so convenient.]

Look at those lips

Breast augmentation anyone?

Heidi Montag To Get New Reality Show With Jake Pavelka And Danielle Staub

It has been a very long time since there has been any real Heidi news.  The last I heard of Heidi and Spencer, they were attempting to get a rap career going by hooking up with Ice Cream face tattoo rapper Gucci Mane.  Before that, the word on the street was that Heidi wanted to join the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, now that Camille Grammer has left the show.  Well, the big story today is that Heidi will be joining other out of work reality stars Jake Pavelka and Danielle Staub in a new reality show.  No one seems to know what the premise of the show is and this is such a random pairing of people that my only guess is that this is either another incarnation of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!" or perhaps a new show called: "Make Me Into A Reality Star!"  Otherwise, who knows.  I do have to say, however, that clearly (from the pictures below) Heidi has stopped injecting her lips.  She's looking similar to how she looked before she became plastic surgery obsessed.  She still has the humongous Spencer Pratt fun bags though.  I'm sure Spencer has lots of fun with those.  (via Daily Mail)

Jake Pavelka and Heidi have a play date in L.A.

Heidi's face is sorta getting back to normal.