Heidi Montag, Star of Famous Food, Can Make These Nine Facial Expressions

So, I finally got around to watching Famous Food (which is going head to head with Saddle Ranch as the worst reality show on television) on VH1 and I was bored so I decided to catalog the facial expressions that Heidi Montag is able to make (considering her numerous surgical procedures).  This is sort of an ode to Megan Fox's now infamous tweet of the things she can do since she hasn't had Botox.  Well, these are the things that Heidi's face can do, so hold on to your seats:

Heidi hasn't had the chance to be "sad" on the show yet, but this is a flashback to Heidi's appearance on The Hills after she had ten surgical procedures in one day, and I guess I would call this "soul-crushing sadness"!

Megan Fox, What Have You Done To Your Face?

I've always been a supporter of Megan Fox, through all of the bad acting in the Transformers films (especially Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), through all the various transformations of her face, through all the multiple pictures of her with cameltoe (seriously, does Megan Fox ever NOT have cameltoe?), even through Megan being kicked out of the Transformers franchise for making some stupid remark about Jews and Steven Spielberg.  I even managed to find it within me to support her during all that (because she and Jessica Alba are easily the hottest women on the planet), but, Megan, seriously, what have you done to your face?  Only days after tweeting what her non-Botox-ex face looked like, as proof that she has not had Botox, Megan appeared in New York yesterday looking like a younger/slimmer Shannen Doherty on crack.  These photos do not even look like Megan Fox.  It's actually scary.  While I plan a full-blown "The Plastic Surgery of Megan Fox" post (because the list of things this girl has done to herself is growing faster than my third leg during the first half an hour of 300), let's just address the altered shape of her face.  Clearly, Megan is getting fillers of some kind and this is absolutely the wrong thing for someone her age.  It is one thing for late 40s/early 50s hoes like Heather Locklear or Hunter Tylo to get fat injections in the face to smooth out the areas that might wrinkle, but it is all wrong when someone in their 20s like Megan goes this route.  For one thing, the wrinkles will likely be worse if and when she decides to stop injecting her face (forcing her to continue to inject... forever).  And honestly, Megan is too pretty as it is to need any of this.  Her face has a rounder, healthier look now, but that sort of "I just survived a fifteen hour smoosh session with Brian Austin Green" wasted look kind of suited her. Now she really does look like a blow-up doll.  Why, Megan?  What have you done?

"At least you can't see my cameltoe this time, right?  I decided to have my labia shortened and the extra skin injected into my cheeks."

"Don't you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my leopard skin iPhone?"

"This is my happy face."

"Thank god I wore extra makeup today so no one can see the scar from my chin implant last month!"

This is the same comparison I used for the "Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery Addiction" feature.  Heather Locklear (like Carrot Top) has injected fillers into her face to give it a rounder, more youthful look.  But when the person this is done to already has youth (like Megan) the fillers actually can make you look  older.

Megan Fox Got Kicked Out Of Transformers But She Can Make Her Forehead Talk

This is actually Megan Fox, not some plastic surgery addicted girl in Hong Kong posting pics to 4chan.

Megan Fox posted some pics to her Facebook page yesterday as proof to all of her followers that she has not had Botox.  Obviously, you cannot make your forehead whisper sweet nothings as demonstrated below if you've had Botox.  Why anyone would care about this is beyond me.  Frankly, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly Kim Kardashian is injecting into her ass since it's not silicone.  So, even if Megan Fox is not injecting Botox to make her face as smooth as a baby's bottom, there is still a whole lot of other mess going on up there.  Her eyebrows look like she's taking beauty lessons from Cruella DeVil, her lips look like she just got bitch slapped by Ike, and her eyes look like she's out of whatever it is Brian Austin Green is giving her to calm her down.  I'm just sayin'.  Megan, you totally peaked in the first Transformers, so whatever it is you are doing to your face, stop now!

"I wouldn't be able to do this if I was on Botox.  Cocaine, yes.  Botox, no."

"Me so sowwwy.  Me bad secretary.  Me promise bring whip next time.  Me promise let you lip starrrkings."

"You did WHAT to my blow-up doll?"

Robot Movie of the Week: Jennifer's Body (June 5 - June 11)

Images courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

Alright, clearly I have run out of interesting robot-themed movies to review (or at least, I am still too timid to attack science fiction leviathans like Blade Runner and Metropolis), and have now resorted to reviewing films currently playing or those that are, at the very least, interesting enough to merit a thorough treatment by an amateur.  Jennifer's Body was released in 2009 and was a film that had every reason to be a blockbuster: it starred sexbot Megan Fox (then at the peak of her popularity), it was written by Juno's own Diablo Cody, and it had a plot perfectly poised to capture the imagination of the ultimate film target demographic: men and women aged 17-40.  But the film flopped, bringing in only about $31 million at theaters (though this was enough to recoup the $16 million required to release the film).

Megan Fox fills out the role of Jennifer nicely.

Jennifer's Body received poor reviews from Roger Ebert  (who called it Twilight for boys) and others, and was poorly advertised nationwide prior to its release.  Perhaps 20th Century Fox did not have enough faith in the film to market it as fully as it deserved.  Frankly, I have to disagree with Mr. Ebert on this one (as usual, actually).  Jennifer's Body is clearly a film that is marketed towards young women, not young men as he postulates; Roger seems to base his statement about the target audience on the starring role of Megan Fox, without realizing that young women are just as enthusiastic about the larger-than-life beauty of the actress as young men are.  Ebert may also be basing his statement on the strong element of sexual desire in the film, but the way the subject is handled is more characteristic of films for women as there is very little actual sex shown (as compared to Basic Instinct, for example).  In addition to Megan Fox, Jennifer's Body stars Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody, John Simmons, and J.K. Simmons.

Jennifer is sacrificed to Satan by Low Shoulder and its lead singer (played by Adam Brody)

Jennifer Check (Fox) is the stereotypical small town cheerleader: she is equipped with a killer body, a primal ability to attract the men and women in a two or three mile radius, and is followed around by a nerdy sidekick in the form of her childhood friend Needy (Seyfried).  The contrasts between Jennifer and Needy are immediately apparent and more subtle differences become apparent later on the film.  Jennifer is overtly sexual, both in appearance and demeanor, while Needy is thoughtful, modest, and retiring.  If Jennifer and Needy had not been friends since they were children, it would be difficult to understand why they hang out in their last year of high school; indeed, it seems that Jennifer allows Needy to fill the role of homely friend/admirer and enjoys belittling her.  In fact, Jennifer is not all that she seems to be.  In spite of the sexual conquests she claims, Jennifer may actually be a virgin, which makes her the perfect target for a young indie band called Low Shoulder that Jennifer and Needy come across in a bar.  Jennifer develops an immediate attraction to Low Shoulder's lead singer (played by Brody) and when he invites her to ride in the band's van, after the bar suspiciously burns down (killing most of the diners inside), she agrees.

In spite of her geeky appearance, Needy actually has a healthy sex life with her boyfriend.  Seyfried really shines in this role.  She sort of gives off the air of the sexy librarian who would be stunning if she she just took off her glasses and put some time into doing her hair.

Jennifer later reveals to Needy that she was brutally sacrificed to Satan by the members of Low Shoulder, but only after Needy notices that there's something not quite right about her.  Jennifer shows up at Needy's home looking battered and bruised, and in the ensuing days after the tragedy of the bar fire, the corpses of several boys at school begin to surface.  Jennifer tells Needy that after she was "sacrificed" a spirit took over her body and filled her with the desire to kill young men, like those that murdered her.  The element of surreal humor, present throughout the film, dictates that Needy, although surprised by the announcement, does not do anything about it right away.  Matters change when Jennifer decides to go after Needy's boyfriend Chip at the prom.  Needy discovers Jennifer feeding on Chip and a brawl ensues.  Chip dies as a result of the attack, but Needy shows up later at Jennifer's house and kills her in her bed.  The murder is witnessed by Jennifer's mother and Needy ends up locked away in a psychiatric hospital, presumably also being accused of the deaths of the boys at school.  The film ends with Needy telling the viewer that she gained some of Jennifer's powers after she killed ger as she levitates out of her cell and escapes from captivity.  She announces her intentions of seeking out Low Shoulder to an ill-intentioned trucker that picks her up, hitchhiking on the road.

Possessed by an evil spirit, Jennifer commits random acts of deviltry, like burning her tongue with a lighter.

Diablo Cody and Karyn Kusama (the director of the film), have made it clear that Jennifer's Body was created with strong feminist overtones.  Jennifer, in fact, has the feel of a more sinister, modern day version of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, and this is a role for which Megan Fox is perfectly suited.  The strongest aspect of the film is the nightmarish quality of its early stages: the sudden fire in the bar, the grotesque deaths of the patrons, the devilish nature of Low Shoulder's lead singer, the monstrous appearance of Jennifer after her transformation.  The unexpected nature of these early events keep the viewer riveted to their seat; but the film begins to collapse as it progresses.  It takes a detour from modern-day "camp" and dissolves into the tangled and hackneyed forest of teenage horror film.  The overtly-sexualized Jennifer is contrasted with Needy who, though plain in appearance, actually has what appears to be a healthy sexual relationship with her boyfriend, Chip.  Jennifer's sexual nature perhaps is what causes her to be transformed into a succubus-type creature by the hellish spirit that takes over her body, and it, perhaps, is meaningful that Jennifer, in the end, is killed by the more sedate Needy.  Is the point that Needy is what Woman should be and that creatures like Jennifer (created by the lustful designs of men) merit destruction?  It is possible.  The story does not fully explore this concept as much as it deserves, but the film is entertaining enough, though it leaves the viewer feeling incomplete and somewhat disappointed.  The strength of the beginning of the film heightens this sense of disappointment, as the surreal and creative nature of the film gives way to the standard horror fare, but I would still recommend Jennifer's Body to anyone with an offbeat sense of humor (or some free time on their hands).

Unfortunately, Needy's boyfriend, Chip, becomes Jennifer's last victim.

Megan Fox Showing Her Stuff In the New Armani Underwear Ad

Those are some sexy back tattoos you got there, Megan.  Daddy, likey.